pourquoi je ne m’aime plus
why don’t I love myself anymore
The hole you filled inside of me made me know you were special. You didn’t seem to make me stronger, but that’s ok because I was already so strong. I didn’t need strength or confidence, I had that. I already knew I loved everything about myself and if anyone made a negative comment, I didn’t care. But when you said my butt could be bigger, why do I let this get to me?
It eats me up everyday subconsciously and I can’t do anything about it. I never thought of my butt in that way before, I just appreciated the petite and small frame I have just because that is me. Why do I now feel less sexy because of this? I used to feel so sexy and send you pictures of me all the time — including my butt. Now something in me has changed. No matter how much I try and remember the old me, she is slowly slipping away. I get that I love you so much that I respect and listen to what you say. But I just can’t get it out of my head. I can’t and it’s driving me insane. How have you done this? Why can’t I get over it? I don’t fucking know why.
All the clothes I used to love wearing I now hate. Because I see how insignificant my butt is. I never use to care about that area and I was used to flaunting my boobs more. Great I have nice boobs but you don’t care about that. You’re a butt kind of guy and now I know I will never be what you want. You don’t love me for me.
I feel like the only way I’m going to get over this comment is to get you out my life. Honestly, I know this sounds irrational but it’s the way I work. Why would I let someone who has made me toxic stay so near to me. I used to think you found me sexy and beautiful on the inside, but now I realise you can only see my external.
But you see, there is so much more to me and I know this. I know there’s more. But why do I only focus on what you said about my external. Focus on my internal, I’d prefer if you were negative about my internal than external because at least then you’ve made your mind up about the real me. That is the girl I really am… and honestly? I feel like fucking shit.
I use my humour to hide it. I’ll bring it up occasionally but drop it suddenly. Where are you? I miss you. Please come back to me, hurry.
That was always my rule: never cry over a boy. Yet that seems to be all I’m doing recently.
I refuse to look at myself in the mirror anymore, because I’m ashamed of what I see. Like what the actual fuck. I feel so unvaluable and worthless. Yet, I’m so fucking angry that I let anyone do this to me. That I let you do this to me.
I want to look at myself in the mirror again, I will find that love I used to have for myself. Because nobody and now that includes you, will ever be able to give me that.
