Ten Ways To Make Me Happy

Friends and family, please take note

1. Give me a muffin.

A muffin will make me so happy. If you give a mouse a cookie, the mouse is going to want a glass of milk. If you give Clara a muffin, that’s it. You’re done. I’m totally happy for at least half an hour. If you make it a warm muffin, I might have to hug you.

2. Spend all day with me.

Or just hang out with me until I make up some excuse not to hang out anymore. Leave class with me, invite me to eat lunch with you, and talk to me about old computer games we liked when we were kids.

Our conversation will be so excellent that we’ll absentmindedly wander to my room, where I might just sit on the floor and paint my nails. Don’t leave (unless I start talking about how much I’d like a nap).

3. Compliment my nails.

I spend a ridiculous amount of time painting my nails and sharing the results on instagram. If you notice this, I will immediately think much more highly of you than I did before, because you have brightened my day. I don’t care if you’re my best friend or the checkout guy at Chipotle. You’ve noticed my nails, and you are on my list of favorite people today.

4. Hug me.

On the seventh day, God created the hug, because hugs are really nice. If I seem stressed out because your roommate has decided to take out the recycling and the noise of all the bottles clanging together makes me want to die, take me in your arms until you feel that I am sufficiently relaxed. You’ll know. You always know.

5. Tell me you liked something I did on the internet.

I take a lot of pride in my random internet accomplishments. If you follow @feministtswift, you make me happy. If you already know about Cosmarxpolitan, you’re going to make me really happy.

6. Make weird analogies.

Compare my sorority’s electoral structure to that of Iran. It’s a weirdly appropriate analogy, actually. Compare our relationship to the British invasion of Iraq during WWI. Point out that applying to PhD programs is kind of like starting a rock band. Explain that I am Kant in the streets, and John Stuart Mill in the sheets.

7. Show me doge.

very meme

wow

such humor

8. Make me tea.

Put in more sugar than you could ever imagine a person wanting. That’s the right amount, I promise. You rock.

9. Call me pretty.

I don’t care that I only care about my physical appearance because I was raised in a patriarchal system of female objectification. I really like it when people tell me I’m pretty.

10. Provide me with a life plan.

I’m 21 and I know basically nothing about where I’m going to be in two years. It would be really nice to have some of that information. If you could provide it, with the help of a time travel device or crystal ball, that would make me really happy. Thanks, yo.