Bernard Black’s Luxury Pie: The Onscreen Eats We Dream Of
One of the many details I loved about HBO’s Succession was the decadent waste of food. There was usually at least one scene from every episode featuring some lavish spread the Roy family never touched while scoffing at anyone who did, a subtle nod to the peculiar indulge/deny protocols of the elite. (In this latest and last season the Roy siblings mock their brother’s newly minted mother-in-law for loading her plate at a banquet and it’s brutal.)
In one blink-and-you’ll-miss-it shot we get a glimpse of caterers dumping gorgeous arrangements of seafood into the trash following a Roy family summit in the Hamptons, among the delicious detritus a tray of untouched lobsters. That one took me out. I’m not a huge meat eater but lobster is my absolute favorite and while I don’t envy the lives of early New England convicts, they certainly ate like kings.
Like mouthwatering literary food descriptions that all but waft off the page, film & television offer their own embarrassment of riches. Who can forget the Rococo confections of Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette? That Timpano pasta dome that cost so much blood, sweat, and tears in Big Night? Even Rachel’s infamous trifle from Friends has its fair share of defenders and I’m team Joey myself — custard? good. jam? good. meat? goood. And all in a lovely cake glass at that.
Everyone has that one dream dish they’d love to snatch off the screen and mine is Bernard Black’s luxury pie from one of my favorite shows, Black Books. If you haven’t watched it yet, you’re welcome. And if you have and you’re a fan like me, hey bestie. And if you’ve watched it and didn’t like it, get the hell out of here. (Kidding. Kind of.)
For the uninitiated, Black Books follows the misadventures of anti-social Bloomsbury bookshop owner Bernard Black, his long-suffering assistant Manny, and plucky friend Fran. Bernard is an emo Grumpy Cat malcontent too clever to be fully delusional but entirely ill-suited to the routines and realities that, short of death, constitute existence. He’s a Renaissance mess in a modern world demanding to be taken seriously by the same people, places, and things he regularly vomits wine onto.
Respect, Bernard.
In the episode “Blood” Bernard attempts to convert his bookshop into a fine dining experience after Manny opens his eyes to the cashbox benefits of an onsite café. And of course because it’s Bernard he goes above and beyond his budget, patience, and capabilities. By the end of the night he’s serving food on recipe books with plates on the covers, having broken all the real plates vis-à-vis his chef tantrums, and the guests leave with food poisoning.
Before it all goes to hell Bernard concocts what he deems the signature dish of the night: consisting of lobster, caviar, truffles, saffron, and a generous drizzle of champagne all baked into a pastry dough, luxury pie is definitely last meal material. I love me some savories baked in pie crust, whether it’s a Cornish pasty or empanada, and Bernard’s concoction is, as he puts it, “the food of kings.” See? He gets it.
I think my favorite part of this is Bernard’s slow descent into drunken lunacy. I mean, I think I could say that about most Black Books storylines, but I digress. This hits Grapes of Wrath* levels of crazy. Bernard’s understanding of cooking which, at its’ best, seems to involve just throwing things in that sounds good (Luxury Pie), and only get worse as he starts two-handing bottles of red and white while he “cooks”. His slow descent culminates in what can only be described an oven knob paint stew. *Italian Chef Kiss*
I searched the web to see if anyone tried their hand at luxury pie and the most I managed to find was a Flickr post from 2011 that reports it was “bloody awful,” which just makes me more determined to save up and do the delicacy right before Babish gets a hold of it.
Do you have a favorite dish from the big or small screen? Have you attempted to make it or tasted it somewhere? And, question of all questions, did it live up to your expectations?
* “Grapes of Wrath,” not to be confused with the Steinbeck classic but another Black Books legend, in which Bernard and Manny accidentally drink a £7000 bottle of wine intended by their yuppie friend Freddie for the Pope and proceed to “fix” it with their own dupe; a month later Bernard reads a newspaper headline stating that the Pope was poisoned and Freddie is currently being held. Which isn’t actually what shocks Bernard but rather that it’s his birthday.
