Convos with Santa
If I were to have imaginary phone conversations with Santa, here’s what they’d be like.
The other day I took part in a Table Topics session at my local Toastmasters club. The topic that I had to speak on was the following:
You get a phone call from Santa Claus. What’s the question you ask him?
I don’t believe in Santa. I think I was about 5 when I figured out the guy in the red suit visiting to deliver the presents look suspiciously like my grandfather. He was busted.
Nonetheless, I tried to imagine my phone conversations with Santa. Here they go.
Conversations with Santa, Episode 1
*Phone rings*
Me: You’ve reached Vanina.
Santa: Hello, is this Vanina.
Me: Yes, this is she.
Santa: It’s Santa Claus calling.
Me: Uh… kay. What can I do for you?
Santa: I was wondering if you had a question for me.
Me (a tad paranoid): Why, what have you heard?!
Santa: Nothing, I just wanted to give you a chance to ask me something.
Me: Look, old man, whatever you think I did, I didn’t do it, ok? Don’t call me again!
*I hang up*
Conversations with Santa, Episode 2
*Phone rings*
Me: You again?
Santa: How did you know it was me?
Me: Caller ID. I saved your number last time you called.
Santa: Oh, ok. About that question…
Me: Do you have like, unlimited call minutes or something? That’s an international call, though, I can’t imagine it’s cheap.
Santa: I’m Santa Claus, girl. I don’t bother myself with menial details like phone bills.
Me: So you’re above all that menial human crap, huh. Way to go, old man, real cute.
*I hang up*
Conversations with Santa, Episode 3
*Phone rings*
Me: What now?
Santa: You are really not curious about anything Santa-related?
Me: All right then, if this will make you stop calling. I have a job, you know.
Santa: You probably get time off for the holidays, don’t pout.
Me: Don’t be a cliche.
Santa (sings): He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…
Me: You’re a stalker, I know. The only thing I can’t figure out is how has no one reported you to the authorities yet. Maybe I should do it?
Santa (sounding nervous): Uhm, something came up, uh… a present emergency… I’ll call you later.
*Santa hangs up*
Conversations with Santa, Episode 4
*Phone rings*
Me: So what does it feel like leading the world’s largest blackmail network?
Santa: How do you mean?
Me: You know, parents blackmailing children to behave so they land on the “Nice” list and get superficial gifts, children exploiting parents’ lies and extorting them for presents.
Santa: But… but…
Me: Yeah, I thought so…
*I hang up*
Conversations with Santa, Episode 5
*Phone rings*
Santa: It’s not blackmail, you know.
Me: It’s textbook blackmail.
Santa: I’m doing it for the kids, so they learn values.
Me: The value of toys made in China? That makes them spoiled little brats, not better people.
Santa (sounding not so confident): The value of family?
Me: Yeah, no. That’s not it.
*I hang up*
Conversations with Santa, Episode 6
*Phone rings*
Me: Did you even go to school?
Santa: Why d’you ask?
Me: They teach physics at school, don’t they? You must have skipped that class…
Santa: I’m Santa.
Me: So that gives you an excuse to give the finger to the conventional education system and just say to yourself “Fuck physics, I’ll have a flying sleigh and reindeers with bright noses”, huh? I don’t think so.
Santa: It’s magic.
Me: Explain the technicalities of this magic of yours then.
*Santa hangs up*
Conversations with Santa, Episode 7
*Phone rings*
Me: You do know you’re not real, right? You’re a personification of… I don’t even know of what. A soda company made you up.
Santa: Well that’s a bit insulting.
Me: It’s true.
Santa: Even if that were true, I still exist for the good of…
Me (cuts him off): YOU DON’T EXIST!!!
*I hang up*
Conversations with Santa, Episode 8
*Phone rings*
Santa: Is there any way I can make you believe in me?
Me: Not really, no.
Santa: C’mon, there must be a way.
Me: Get me a boat and a private jet with my name painted on the side in purple paint on Christmas day.
Santa: Why purple?
Me: Focus, old man. Where are we on the boat and the plane?
Santa: See, that’s not how it works…
Me: My point precisely.
*I hang up*
Conversations with Santa, Episode 9
*Phone rings*
Santa: I give up…
Me: It’s good you don’t work in telemarketing, then. You’d be terrible at it.
Santa: You’re too cynical.
Me: I‘m observant.
Santa: You could use some magic in your life, you know.
Me: I could use a boat and a jet but that’s not happening, is it.
Santa (wearily): Merry Christmas, then.
Me: Merry Christmas.
*Santa and I hang up at the same time*
Photo: Matti Mattila
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