Five Things I’d Do If I Were a Parent

An IQ test to prove you’re smart enough, a psychiatric evaluation to confirm you’re not a crazy motherfucker and an IRS audit to verify you can in fact support a family — I think this must be the standard for allowing people to have kids.

Let’s get one thing straight: I do not plan to have any children. Ever.

I think that everyone should pass an IQ test, a psych eval and an IRS audit before they are allowed to procreate, and I will most certainly fail at least two of these.

If, however, I did ever had children (again, that’s strictly a hypothetical), I would take an alternative approach to parenting. Here are the things I’d do.

1. Cheat my way into proper nutrition

Installing the right nutritional habits from a very young age can save a parent lots of headaches later on in life — but I’m warning you, you may have to resort to trickery and deception!

Here’s a genius trick that I learned from an acquaintance: putting Brussel sprouts on sticks in lollypop wrappers. Brussel sprouts are the herpes of the vegetable world so kids will quickly lose interest in suckers and wouldn’t even look at them at the next birthday party you take them to.

Similarly, I would teach my children that dried apples are “chips”, that grapes are “toffee” and that carrot sticks are “twizzlers”.

If all else fails, I’d give my kids chocolate and tell them it’s broccoli — this won’t do anything about their own health but at least they’ll be walking around telling everyone how much they love broccoli. Close enough.

2. Make naps the forbidden fruit

Naps. The one thing we hate as kids and can’t get enough of as adults.

If I were to be a parent, I would absolutely ban all naps. There’s nothing that kids want more than the one thing that’s forbidden. Once I put the “Off limits!” sign on naps, my kids should be taking at least 2 of those a day, and so would mommy. I’m brilliant, I know.

3. Be a quitter

Most parents tend to teach their kids that quitting’s not an option. But why shouldn’t it be?! As an adult, I often quit things that no longer seem like good ideas, don’t bring me joy, or are just too much work for me to care.

My kids will know that quitting is ok, especially when it comes to things like throwing tantrums, spending their life in a blanket fort or doing anything else that annoys me.

I am perfectly happy being a mediocre human being, and so should be my future children.

4. Don’t give in to temper tantrums

Show me a kid who has never ever thrown a temper tantrum, and you’re probably pointing at the blank space. Show me an adult that doesn’t give a rat’s ass about temper tantrums, and you’re probably pointing at me.

We all lose our cool sometimes and that’s fine. Kids should be no exception to the rule.

Should I ever procreate, my precious heirs would be allowed to throw any tantrum they want — as long as they don’t expect me to react to it. If they find someone who actually buys their act, good for them, but mommy’s got more important stuff to do (like remembering where I left my glass of wine for example).

5. Teach my kids hitting is bad but sarcasm is perfectly ok

Sadly, physical violence is frowned upon in civilized society and if I were to be a parent, I wouldn’t want to be judged by other parents for my children misbehaving. This is why I’d teach my kids that hitting people is a no-no, even when someone really deserves to be slapped in the face. With a chair.

Sarcasm, however, is an entirely different story. It’s like hitting someone in the face and telling them you’re intellectually superior to them at the same time — so why not take full advantage of it? Other parents may still look at me funny when they witness my kids being unapologetically sarcastic but I would just slap some more sarcasm into their faces, problem solved.

Five bonus lessons I’d teach my kids

1. Rocking PJs fashion is the best but don’t wear pajamas to black-tie events.
2. There’s no such thing as an inside voice. All voices are inside voices and mommy doesn’t need unnecessary drama.
3. People who get up early miss on sleeping in — and sleeping in is the best.
4. Own your mischief. If you’ve chosen to do something stupid, stand by your choice… unless you can pin it on your siblings. Everything is fair game among siblings.
5. School sucks but working at McDonalds for the rest of your life sucks more. You don’t need to go to Harvard (I ain’t paying for that anyway) but get educated enough to get a cosy office job at least.

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