How to Increase Your Instagram Influence by 100%: The Ultimate Guide

Not really but keep reading. You may be slightly entertained.

A quick foreword

My Instagram game is pretty lame. I have 238 followers and my posts get between 10 and 20 likes each.

Yet, I am content with my Instagram profile. I try to post photos in context and tell the story behind the picture, or at least to be funny whenever that’s possible. I’m often not.

I don’t bother myself with hashtags and optimization and following other people so I get followed back. Apparently, ten to twenty likes (my average) is enough for me to feel relevant and keep shooting. In fact, I also feel good about myself on because I don’t quantify and measure my self-worth in likes and comments. This works on so many different levels… #feelingblessed

Sometimes, though, I dream of being Instagram-famous and of having hundreds of thousands, perhaps even millions of followers. People who would go and buy alphabet soup if I told them to do so with a nicely-staged image of alphabet soup. People who would read the magazines I told them to read. Who would buy the clothes I told them to buy (you don’t get Instagram-famous without being fashionable so there’s that).

Imagine the sponsorship deals I would get to promote any brand I want. The love I would receive in the comments. The opportunities and collaborations this would open up for me. The world would literally be my oyster! (Also, I would be consuming lots of oysters as that’s very chic.)

Of course, in that scenario I would be graceful, tall and slender. My long blond hair would cascade down my elegant shoulders. My shiny white teeth would blind passers-by when I giggle at silly things. Ah, the life.

In a parallel scenario, also known as “reality”, though, I am clumsy, short and fat. You see how that’s a problem? You can’t post perfect cappuccino shots from Milan or pictures of the latest issue of Kinfolk on the coffee table in your perfect minimalist apartment when you’re clumsy, short and fat. It’s a universal rule — like gravity and such. So what do I do to gain that IG fame? Keep reading.

The best way to get more Instagram followers

I came across a bullet-proof way to gain Instagram followers by accident.

I had had a particularly bad day at the office — you know, one of those days when everyone’s being a vibe-killing bitch and you need to keep reminding yourself beating the shit out of people is illegal.

I came home exhausted and collapsed on the couch in my messy downtown flat. As I was looking for the remote in desperate need of some cheap American trash TV, my glance stopped at my socks. My socks, dear readers, had polar bears with cute winter sweaters and gold crowns on their heads. I reached for my knitted throw and staged a picture of my feet, hashtagging it #hygge. Now, I am not entirely sure what hygge is but I know it’s trendy — and after the day I’d had, I figured — what the hell.

And then the likes started coming in. A mere 24 hours later, that perfectly staged photo of my blissful socks had been liked 40 times and I had gained 6 new followers.

To put this into a performance-marketing perspective, I had achieved a 100% growth in likes and a 2.5% increase in follower base with a single Instagram post. I was ecstatic!!!

And since you’re probably wondering… here’s the picture that brought me that immense success:

How did I achieve this amazing growth?

Easy. By faking it. I staged a perfect evening at home and sold it through visuals and hashtags. I fabricated a flawless moment of a perfect life and sold it to Instagram. People bought it because I gave them something to aspire to. #lifegoals

The harsh truth is, people don’t want to know how smart and witty and observant I may be. They don’t care about my struggles unless my struggles are delivered in the form of inspirational captions under beautiful shots. Nobody gives a crap about my always-messy apartment and even messier life — people need a role model who chills on a beautiful knitted sofa spread in their cute socks.

The world is striving for perfection and for blissfulness, and if you manage to deliver it on social media, you’ll get the followers and fame.

I told you. Easy.

Since publishing this article, the author has acquired 4 new pairs of quirky socks, and has gone back to Instagramming her regular, not-so-pretty life. She now has 244 Instagram followers and she’s quite content with that number.

Want to get more followers? Follow me first!