The stages of working out

It’s 8:30 pm and I’m pouring myself a glass of rose. There are 125 calories in it but I deserve it because I just worked out. Rather, I need it because otherwise I may kill someone.

Nice to meet you — I’m Miss Fatty McCouch von Junkfood. I love sitting down, my couch and good food (sometimes also junk food), not necessarily in that order. I don’t, however, like working out, which adds up to my suboptimal fitness and being overweight.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have body issues. I like myself, my self-confidence is generally high and I don’t subscribe to any health-related obsession. My doctor, however, does have issues with my body and keeps nagging me to lose weight in order to control the autoimmune condition I have.

I’m a bit concerned about my health too — but not enough to commit to regular workout schedule. On the rare occasions when I do indeed engage in physical activity, I go through a few stages. Here they are.

Stage 1: Inspiration

Stage 1 usually occurs during the work day. It’s mostly caused by me watching 30-second videos of people working out, which — let’s face it — looks quite easy and effortless on video.

I tell myself that this is the first day of my regular exercise regimen. I download an app or find a YouTube tutorial and promise myself I’ll only have salad for dinner, after I’ve sweat a little.

Stage 1 ends while I munch on an unhealthy dinner on my couch, watching TV. I tell myself I’ll start tomorrow and move on with my life.

Stage 2: Bargaining

Sometimes, for some inexplicable reason, I come home and head for the stationary bike instead of for the couch. I sit on the bike for a while my lazy and my ambitious selves negotiate. They never agree on more than 10 minutes and I feel crappy about my negotiation skills.

Stage 3: Sweating & Swearing

I’m on the stationary bike now and I’m moving. I’m also sweating profusely, feeling thankful no one can see me at that moment. In my mind, I repeat each and every curse word I know, sometimes in 3 different languages. I feel both good and like I’m going to die any second now. Stage “SweaT/Ring” is an ugly one and I hate the entire world (but especially skinny bitches who can eat whatever they want without getting fat).

Stage 4: Focus

A few minutes into the workout (which usually feels like a lifetime), I manage to completely clear my mind. For a few seconds, I reach a meditative state when there are no thoughts whatsoever in my head. This is when I reach complete focus. I focus on my hatred of working out, the entire world and skinny bitches who can eat whatever they want without getting fat.

Stage 5: Gratification

I finish the workout. I can’t feel my muscles but my soul is light. I pour myself a glass of wine, which has more calories than I’ve just burned but hell, I deserve that.

A few sips of wine, and I’m ready to tell myself it wasn’t that bad at all and maybe I should do that again tomorrow. Yep, I’m definitely doing this again tomorrow.

I can picture myself after a year of counting calories and exercise, I’m one of those skinny bitches now and I own the world. Nothing can stop me — except the fact that this is still just a phantasy.

Stage 6: The next day

The day after a workout, I get home from work, I take a look at my stationary bike and say “Oh, screw this!”. I then pour myself another 125 calories of wine and order gourmet pizza.

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