Resolving Conflict
Conflict resolution is a difficult topic for both adults and young people. CTC’s Director of Community Partnerships and Inclusion, Michael Winn, walks through conflict resolution solutions in this article.
Today is a special day, it is your birthday. You are eleven years old and ready to show the world that you are not a ten-year-old anymore. So you put on the red dress with the black belt and black shoes that you and your mom spent hours in the mall trying to find. You put it on and it does not disappoint. But when you walk into school with your head held high a boy, new to your friend group, yells out, “Hey Mrs. Claus,” and everyone laughs, and you run into the bathroom crying and plotting ways to gain revenge.
While this interaction may seem minor, hurt feelings can lead to unkind interactions and shifting friendships. You chose to run away from the conflict, but the conflict was not solved. As much as we try to avoid it, conflict is a part of life. Managing conflict effectively will help you experience more fulfilling friendships and enjoy better social experiences, both at school and outside of it. Here are some steps to help you become effective in resolving those conflicts.
1. Stop and Breathe before Reacting — Before you react, picture taking three deep breaths. Once you have calmed a little try to understand your feelings. Sometimes we feel angry on the surface when there’s a problem, but there might be an underlying feeling like fear, embarrassment, or loneliness.
2. Scale the Problem — Ask yourself, “How big is the problem?” “Can I handle this on my own?” “Do I need to resolve it with someone?” “Do I need to involve and adult?” It is important to be honest in admitting your role in the conflict.
3. Express How You Feel — Use “I feel” statements when upset. When you use these statements, you focus on how a behavior affected you without resorting to blaming. When we share our emotions with others, it’s easier for us to relate to one another as human beings who have feelings, instead of just someone who disagrees with us.
4. Listen and Reflect — After we spend time focusing on how we feel and expressing ourselves, it’s important to remember that there’s another person involved and their feelings and needs are important, too. To resolve a conflict, both parties need to be heard. You must work hard to clearly communicate and listen carefully during the process.
5. Brainstorm Solutions — Brainstorm potential solutions together, with the aim being to find a solution that makes everyone happy. Be kind, be fair, and look for common ground.
6. Apologize Well — An apology is an expression of remorse for something you’ve done wrong, and serves as a way to repair a relationship after that wrongdoing. Forgiveness occurs when the person who was hurt is motivated to repair the relationship with the person who inflicted the hurt. A good apology will communicate three things: regret, responsibility, and remedy.
You will experience ups and downs with your friends, family, and schoolmates as you grow and change. That’s part of growing up. Be prepared with strategies to cope with these upsetting situations and you will be better able to work through the obstacles and preserve your relationships.
— Article by Michael Winn
