9 Entertaining Lists From My Travels In Northern Europe

This is what those of us in the computer maths profession would call a 2-dimensional listicle, or an LoL (listicle of listicles). Enjoy.

7 Reasons I’m Writing A Listicle Of Listicles

1. It’s easier than doing real writing.
2. It’s fun.
3. It’s a good place to stick random pictures and experiences I couldn’t fit into other entries.
4. You will actually read it.
5. I like the word “listicle”, even though it sounds kind of gross.
6. I’m a goddamn millennial, it’s all I know.
7. See? You’re still reading it.

Top 1 Logo For a Municipal Fire Department in Northern Germany

1. Hamburg, Germany. Yes, that is a man fighting a dragon with a firehose. And yes, the seal also includes Comic Sans. It is a pox that has spread to every corner of the world.

8 Words And Phrases To Learn In The Native Language Of A Country You’re Visiting

1. “Thank you”
2. “I would like” / “Please” / etiquette on how to order things
3. “Beer”. Easy in Germany (bier), not as much in Denmark (øl)
4. “Excuse me”
5. “I don’t know how to speak <language>”
6. “I’m sorry”
7. “I’m very sorry”
8. “Your Majesty, I don’t know how to express how deeply, deeply sorry I am in <language>”

3 Pictures I Took Of Cool Typography In Train Stations

København S, aka Copenhagen Central Station.

Belgium’s train station typography is also on point.

6 Things Scandinavians Are Really Into That You Might Not Be Aware Of

1. Snus. You can find this in the US, but probably 20–40% of drinking Norwegian university students I met were using it. They’re essentially little packets of tobacco (and maybe some other stuff?) you put under your lip for a big nicotine hit. There’s some weird cognitive dissonance that happens when you see someone that looks like a young Heidi Klum stick their finger up under their upper lip to press what looks like a little bit of brown saliva-soaked napkin up in there. It’s like watching a ballerina pick a wedgie or something.
2. Candles. I didn’t personally witness the use of candles, but every interior design shop I wandered into in Oslo and Copenhagen had about 80 different types of candle holders. Where there are holders, presumably there’s fire.
3. ABBA. OK, you could’ve guessed this one. Still, you’ve never really heard Take A Chance On Me ’til you’ve heard it at full blast while drinking in a living room with a bunch of young Norwegians.
4. Dice games in bars. This may have just been one bar, but almost everyone in this dive in Copenhagen was playing this medieval game with leather cups and dice called Cheat. It’s not a drinking game per se, but the game has one loser (as opposed to one winner) so that person usually has to buy drinks for everyone else playing. It’s fun as hell; like poker it relies on both knowledge of probability and the ability to bluff, and also introduces the necessity of short term memory which gets harder as it gets later in the night. I intend on getting some sets so we can play here in the US.
5. Annoying currencies. Every country has their own version of kroner (translates to crowns), each of which translate to dollars at a different rate somewhere in the range of 6–8x. So not only does everything cost more than you’d like it to, you have to divide by 6.4 to figure that out. That said, the new bill designs for Norway (which won’t be used til a few years from now) are badass.
6. Workout clothes. This was probably more true in Bergen than Oslo, but most people you see on the street (i.e., people not at work) are dressed like they’re ready to run up a mountain. Because that’s precisely what they just did, or are going to do later.

4 Old/Weird Cars I Saw On The Street (this one’s for you, Alec)

Two-tone Mini, across from the British Museum in London

Buddy electric cars in Oslo, Norway. Small enough you can fit 2 of them sideways in a normal parking spot. In addition to these, I saw multiple instances of pretty much every production electric car in Norway (Teslas, Nissan Leafs, Mitsubishi i-Mievs, and Citroens and Renaults. Didn’t see a Fisker til Amsterdam though)

Old school VW beetle in Brussels. Belgium

Reeeaaall old Citroen convertible in Copenhagen, Denmark.

If I crop it right and throw a filter on, I can make it look like 60 years ago

The 5 People You’ll Meet Staying In Northern European Hostels

1. The Alpha Australian. It seems most traveling Australians are outgoing and want to socialize and drink a lot, but this one is at the top of the food chain. With a penchant for buying people drinks and a persuasive “why not?” attitude, he/she becomes the captain of the H.S.S Social Life in the evenings for those not already attached to other plans, groups, or a strong resolve to stay in.
2. The Worldly Transient. I’ve met a few of these people before I even started this trip, but you can find them readily in hostels as well. They have jobs that allow them to find work in any major city in the world, like yoga instructor, bartender, hostel manager, or hydrological surveyor, and they take advantage of this. There’s a decent chance they grew up traveling/overseas as well. Generally they’re well educated, fun to talk to, and unspeakably cooler/more attractive than you for reasons you can’t put your finger on.
3. Satan Incarnate. This is the middle aged man who turns the lights on in the room at 11pm to use his laptop when you have a 7am train the next morning and 5 people are already trying to sleep. After someone in the room asks to return the lights to the off position, he then proceeds to take a phone call in the dark for 5 minutes before leaving to take it in the hall. After this man (or woman, I guess, but mine was a man) finally goes to sleep, he/she will start snoring loud enough to literally wake everyone in the room at 3am. Only if you were smart enough to bring earplugs will you endure the hell on earth that this middle-aged lucifer summons to your 8-bed hostel room.
4. The Fellow Nerd. I try to avoid talking about work when in a hostel common area, but occasionally someone brings it up and you discover that you are both programmers. This person starts jumping down the nerd rabbit hole. You must do your best to balance being polite to this person, scratching the itch of talking about computer bullshit (which you haven’t done in a couple weeks), and alienating everyone else in the room, perhaps even for the duration of your stay.
5. Literally Your Friend’s Coworker Have you ever been in conversation with someone and it comes up that oh, wow, my brother went to the same Midwestern university as you! Small world! And then you force a little smile and nod action. Wow, yeah. Small world. No. Small world is when you’re 7 time zones away from home, in the second biggest city in Germany, where you haven’t heard an American accent in days, and you figure out that the guy you’ve been hanging out with all afternoon works with your friend from college at a packaging company in Wisconsin. Well, he did, before he quit and started traveling. (note: you will meet a lot of people doing this too)

Top 4 Preparations Of French Fries/Frites I Gluttonously Devoured

First of all, little street food places in northern Europe (at least, south of the health-conscious Scandinavians) absolutely nail fries because they fry them twice; once at low temp to cook the potato, and again at high temp right before you order them to make the outsides crispy. Every has their regional quirks on how to serve them though, which I thought I’d share, mostly to make you jealous.

I rank ordered these, but they were all really freaking good.

1. Frites with sauce Andalouse (mayo with tomato and red pepper blended in) in Brussels, Belgium
2. Patat Oorlog (“War Fries”) in Amsterdam. Mayo, grilled onions, and satay sauce (yep, the Indonesian kind — lots of Indonesians in Amsterdam from imperial times). Unfortunately didn’t get a good picture of these so I stole someone else’s.
3. Frites with currywurst in Düsseldorf, Germany
4. Frites with Flemish stew sauce in Bruges, Belgium. The sauce is basically the thick part of stew without the big chunks of beef and such. And of course, the Flemish make their stew with dark beer.

2 Snapchats That I Couldn’t Send Because I Didn’t Have Data, But Fortunately Have Preserved For Your Enjoyment