The 5 Most Intriguing Matchups of the NBA Finals
Can JaVale McGee officially transcend his “Shaqtin’” self? How will LeBron get Mike Brown fired this time? And other pressing questions that will have to be settled, mano a mano, in these NBA Finals
1. Kyrie vs. Steph
This one never disappoints. At least it hasn’t yet. And why should it? Neither guy plays much defense, and both are transcendent scorers.
Steph, the definition of unwavering focus, shows up every game with a seemingly meditative persistence. He doesn’t care who is chasing him through the screens. He is an impartial destroyer of worlds.
Kyrie, the physical incarnation of the AND1 Mixtape era in the age of modern training techniques, is liable to spontaneously combust at any moment. I heard that once, he tore a guy’s ankle ligaments just by looking at them.
When these two face off, it seems personal. Kyrie plays like the younger sibling who’s always hearing about his impeccable older brother’s accomplishments. And Steph plays like he knows little bro is gunning for him.
It’s a fascinating clash of styles.
Curry practically learned how to walk on an NBA court. The son of accomplished NBA marksman Dell has a polite demeanor, commercials that seem like they were directed by Doug from accounting, a factory-made nuclear family, shoes that can all be described on a scale from “dad” to “meh” and a shot that can only be described as “in”.
Kyrie on the other hand, has decidedly more ‘street’ to his game. For every perfectly cloned, textbook dribble from Steph, Kyrie has a shoulder-shimmy crossover; for every open look off of a triple screen, a space creating spin-move-to-step-back; for every carefully calculated floater, a euro-step up-and-under with English.
Kyrie vs. Steph.
Uncle Drew vs. Sebastian Curry.
The Layup King vs. The Three-Point God.
Freestyle vs. Textbook.
Flow vs. Form.
This’ll be fun.
2. JaVale McGee vs. “Shaqtin’ JaVale McGee”
We’ve all watched as Shaq’s jokes, at the expense of JaVale McGee, have evolved from funny to god damn hilarious, to “wow…c’mon JaVale” to “wow… c’mon Shaq”. In the Diesel’s defense, JaVale kept providing Shaq’s most famous segment on inside the NBA — “Shaqtin’ a Fool” — with quality content. But when Shaq started reaching this season — putting McGee plays into the segment that are hardly bloopers — Javale got a little upset.
Okay, he was pissed.
JaVale’s teammates came to his defense, and after some media hoopla, the story died down. Personally, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed watching JaVale play this year. He’s tailor-made for a team that’s flush with scorers and playmakers. Just rebound, rim-run and block shots. And to his credit he has done all of those things remarkably well. In fact, he averaged 66% more dunks per minute than DeAndre Jordan who led the league in total dunks, and 16% more blocks per minute than Rudy Gobert, who led the league in total blocks.
Four wins away from earning an NBA championship ring — something Shaq frequently cites as a validation of talent and a prerequisite for having a valuable basketball opinion — JaVale is on the verge of finally metamorphosing into “Post-Shaqtin’ JaVale” and putting a hard stop on what has been a delightful subplot of the 2016–17 season.
The most important question might be, “Who will take JaVale’s place as the new king of Shaqtin’?” If Paul George jumps ship and Lance Stevenson has free reign of the court in Indy next season, the Bankers Life Fieldhouse could be a gold mine for Shaqtin’ clips. I think it’s Lance’s time. He was born ready.
3. Mike Brown vs. The Ghost of LeBron Past
They say that above about $75,000 per year in income, money has a negligible effect on happiness. Mike Brown passes that threshold every week when he goes to the bank and deposits his check from the Cleveland Cavaliers. So where does someone like Mike find true happiness when you’re already being paid ludicrous sums of money to not work for somebody?
In whooping that somebody’s ass on the biggest stage in the profession.
Mike Brown was axed by Dan Gilbert and the Cavaliers twice — both in efforts to appease LeBron. Once because LeBron might leave, which he did, and once because LeBron might return, which he did.
LeBron’s career and Brown’s career are hauntingly linked, with LeBron having pulled most of the strings. All Mike Brown can really hold over LeBron is a more graceful embrace of balding. But, now he can attain another round, shiny, beacon of self-actualization to silently razz LeBron with: the Larry O’Brien Trophy.
When the NBA Finals tip-off on Thursday, Mike Brown will be sitting on the sidelines as the de facto head coach of the Golden State Warriors. Sure he’s sitting in the driver’s seat of a self-driving Ferrari — merely inputting GPS destinations and making sure his seat belt is buckled. But his squad is in the Finals, and Brown has a chance to do something few coaches — if any — have ever done before: win an NBA championship while being paid by both teams.
That is, if course, if The Ghost of LeBron Past doesn’t rise again to concoct yet another way to get Coach Brown canned.
Whatever happens in these Finals, whomever you’re rooting for, we can all celebrate one thing: that uber-rich, private-jet-having, billionaire, Dan Gilbert — you know, they guy who called LeBron’s decision to change workplaces a “cowardly betrayal” — is currently paying both head coaches in the NBA Finals… AND DAVID BLATT!
LOL.
4. Iman Shumpert vs. His Hair
This is one of the more established non-basketball rivalries in basketball. Shumpert has been a pioneer of cranial style since entering the league. His signature high-top fade was one of the few consistent aspects of the Knick teams Iman played on, and, at that point, Iman had control of his hair. It was gaudy, but he owned it.
Since joining the cavaliers however, the buffet of different hairstyles that Shumpert has come to work with has thrown all notions of ‘control’ out the window. I can’t help but wonder if he doesn’t face a dilemma similar to that of Tim Allen in Santa Claus. The hair just has a mind of its own. His fate is sealed. Does Iman shave his head every night before bed only to wake up and see some new alien growth? I’ve heard that sometimes, when Iman is home alone, his hair shifts shape into that of a human hand and forces Iman to put his championship ring on one of the fingers. That’s just a rumor though.
All we know for sure is that in the last NBA Finals, Shumpert shot 27% from three, had an average plus-minus of -6.14, and an assist to turnover ratio of .14:1 — that’s POINT one four to one — (per Basketball Reference.com).
His hair meanwhile had an effective “what the fuck?” percentage (Ewtf%) of 100%.
What more can Shumpert’s hair do?
We will have to wait and see.
5. James Jones vs. Matt Barnes
I call this the “I’m-only-here-for-veteran-leadership Bowl”.
James Jones aka “Champ” is famous for his wealth of veteran wisdom and garbage time threes. He has been a stable locker room counselor for all three of LeBron’s championships.
Matt Barnes, who is the consummate love-him-if-he’s-on-your-team-hate-him-if-he’s-not role player, may not have the resume of sage counseling that Jones does, but he is capable of driving long-distance to punch young NBA head coaches.
Heads up Lou Heffner!
Jones and Barnes have played in only five and seven of their team’s 13 and 12 playoff games respectively. Neither has scored more than two points in any of those games. Neither has made a three in any of those games either. But remember, this isn’t about points. Or rebounds. Or assists. This about James Jones touching his forehead to LeBron’s in the locker room and reminding him about the odyssey they have endured together. This is about Matt Barnes embracing Zaza Pachulia and pulling him close to emphasize the importance of closing out jump shooters — and that Kawhi has a tender ankle.
They embody two contradictory styles, but both have a chance, in a series that will test the mental fortitude of these players as much as the physical, to be the psychological catalyst for their team. Conventional wisdom might lead you to believe that the winner of this matchup will be the guy who tallies more high fives and butt slaps, maybe an iconic halftime speech, but actually, the only way Barnes is going to win this, is if he punches someone.
Please punch someone Matt Barnes.
