On Idolizing Anger
A self-reflection on purpose and pursuit: “Someday, I am going to destroy everything you built.”
I used to keep a picture of Duterte in my room.
Reading that, I know it makes me seem like he was my idol, but it was really the opposite. I printed it and put it up on my closet because I wanted to be reminded of everything that he did wrong and to never forget the damage he did to our people and culture since he came to power. Every morning, when I would open my sleepy eyes and see his face, I’d feel my heart burst with anger and use that burst of energy to help me get out of bed. He would be the first person I would see when I wake up, and the last one I would see before I fall asleep. I remember every time I would watch or read news about him doing what he does best (be terrible), I would march up to my room, point at his porous face and tell the picture, “Someday, I am going to destroy everything you built.”
Looking back, I find it extremely silly that I used to do that, but since I recently turned eighteen over the quarantine, this memory came to mind and made me think about the person I am becoming. I wonder now if fifteen-year-old me would be proud of who I am now, or if instead, she’d point at my face just like she used to do with that picture of the president and call me a spineless disappointment (just like him) for not still feeling the same. However, one thing that I came to appreciate over the years is the thought that hatred does not get one as far as love does.
Don’t get me wrong, I will not disagree with someone who calls him a crass, sexist, suck-up whose people have more intelligence in their dead toenail than he does in his entire body, nor will I choose to stay silent on injustice to my countrymen. Like fifteen-year-old me, I still cry myself to sleep when I would read about police violence in the country, typhoon victims who don’t receive help, or when the poor would again and again have their lives abused and belittled by those in power. Sometimes, I still feel frustrated and powerless about all the things that Filipinos need but aren’t getting, and genuinely, truly afraid of the evil that our country’s leaders are capable of. I am not unaware of the darkness that permeates our society, but I realized that the humble light of hope is a better guide than the unruly fire of anger.
What I think about to seek comfort about our country is not his face, nor his incompetence. I would think about the kind people who work in the grocery store, the caring driver of my school bus service, our fiercely loyal ate who cares for my little brother like he is her own son. I would think about my teachers who believe in me, my friends who support me, and my family who loves me. I would think about the selfless Filipinos whose first instinct is to help others. When I think about them before I go to bed, when I wake up, or at random moments throughout the day, my heart would fill with joyful appreciation for their existence, and this joy is what allows me to offer my best self to them. I will continue to fight for our country, and I will be a part of something that will destroy the evil that he has built. But I will not do it because I hate the leader, but because I love our people.
