Somewhere In The Periphery
Written by Nessa Ignacio | &ABLE 2021
Somewhere in my peripheral area, I hear them talking about my disability. They think I do not hear them, but part of being visually impaired means somehow my hearing is a little better than most people. I do hear them. They talk to each other about my condition but never to me. Ableism these days for someone with a physical disability like me comes in the form of two extremities: absolutely condescending pity or through what the late disability activist Stella Young coined as “inspiration porn”, and social ignorance. They marvel about how courageous I am to be doing the most mundane of things as if I am incapable of living life like a normal human being. At the same time, as they make such condescending remarks to one another, they stay away from me. They stay far, far away and give little regard to my existence. Not wanting to draw any more unwanted attention to myself, I responded and closed myself off to them for the better part of my childhood. I quickly learned that it was difficult to associate with the disabled kid. They probably thought we were too much work, so it was better to gossip and watch from a distance than to approach us like normal human beings.
Somewhere in my peripheral area, they look at me. Sometimes I am grateful that I do not get to see all the looks they give me but sometimes I also wish I could forget the way they did. Little kids are harder to deal with. The older ones are less judgmental, but there is still that look in their eyes. Sometimes I wonder what it is like to walk inside a room and not dread what I see in their eyes. I wonder if I disappoint them that I am this way, that I am not only visually impaired but I have scars all over my legs and my body is all awkward. I wonder if my physical body is so awful to society that I have to bear this burden of dread every first day of school or every time I meet someone for the first time.
Somewhere in my peripheral area, I struggle with things I cannot see, one of them is perceiving physical depth. I have broken many things, spilled many drinks, crashed into many people, accidentally ignored people I genuinely did not see, and just dreaded the aftermath of it. People are not perfect, and I admit to my myriad of flaws as well, but I wish people knew that being visually impaired comes with…being blind and not seeing things. You’d think that after all the ableist remarks people make, they would know what it means to be partially blind but apparently they do not. I assure you I am not deliberately trying to mess up. I try my best to be careful but sometimes it is inevitable. I try to extend my patience to others and hope they do too.
Somewhere in my peripheral area, I hear them speak about disabilities. They say they are so blessed to have fully functioning bodies, as if my existence is a curse and suddenly having a disability means the end of the world. We disabled people have our own struggles, as do able bodied people have, and we might experience things differently from other people but we do have our own lives. We have our own quirks, our own flaws, our own happy pills. We aren’t flat, two dimensional characters here to make the rest of the world feel good about themselves nor do we exist to invalidate other people’s struggles because of the awful inspiration porn ads being depicted in the media. Seriously, those ads are awful and I’ve despised them since I was younger. Most of the time, they only speak about disabilities among themselves and not with us. I wonder what kind of lies and nonsense get tangled in their ignorant conversations.
Somewhere in my peripheral vision, in the corners I do not see, I wonder if there will be a world where we are accepted more, where we are heard more. I wonder if the protests for inclusivity of many of our world’s contemporary issues will include us more too. We live in a world of constant motion, which shifts and molds opportunities with every narrative shared, and every action taken. I wanted to take the opportunity to add to such in hopes of highlighting the issue too. That yes, hi hello, we exist and we are human beings deserving of dignity too. We want to be included. We want to be just as heard as everyone else.
These experiences of mine are but one of the many stories of people with disabilities. I also want to emphasize that each disability is different and we each cope with them differently. Having a disability is not black and white. It is a spectrum — a spectrum of valid experiences and opinions and struggles. It comes in many forms, appears in a variation of circumstances, and it is essential to keep an open mind when engaging in this kind of discussion. Opening up about this, as I am now, took courage I did not think I had until I read stories online of other people’s experiences. It took a lot of time for me, and I would think it would take time too for other people to be ready. That’s okay. Small steps. I don’t expect the world to change right away, but by sharing this, I hope to encourage more people to share their stories as well. We’ll move out of the periphery together.
“Somewhere in The Periphery” is the culminating piece for &ABLE, OFTP’s Disability Pride Month 2021 Campaign
