Oh My Ovaries
Published in

Oh My Ovaries

The Tale of Princess Croissant

Allow me to weave you a tale
Of masculinity so very frail

Tis a telling that will surely haunt
The cautionary tale of Princess Croissant

Our two main characters, fresh from breakups each
For a dating app they both did reach

They swiped left, and sometimes right,
Until ping! A match! What delight!

Some time was spent in texting and flirting
And soon our optimistic heroine ventured a meeting

A date was set, coffee was brewed,
His boy band looks really set the mood

But alas and misery!
You’re great, he said, but I’m not sure of the chemistry

Well, our heroine was somewhat taken by surprise
There was chemistry galore to her eyes

Nothing ventured, nothing gained:
At their next meeting, her intentions were made plain

Huzzah! he cried,
All talk of chemistry pushed aside

A marvellous evening was had by all,
Two, three times — even four

But alack and alarm!
The next message leaves our heroine undone

You’re great, again he stated
But surely — sex is sacred,
and I begin to rather regret that we dated

Our heroine is momentarily confused
Her calendar shows the year 2020, not 1902

So, she asked, because after three dates you don’t see marriage in your mind
That spells an end to the fun of bump and grind?

Yes, he said, though there are parts of you I’d like to keep
So now a friendship I do seek

Uh, that ship has already sailed, mate
On this point I won’t deliberate

I’m not a buffet, and you can’t just choose
which parts to keep and which to lose

I’m an entire person, not a hobby
And frankly, you’re making me feel pretty shoddy

I’m good enough for you to fuck,
but a relationship? All out of luck

I don’t exist to fluff up your ego,
And to me sexual shaming is a serious no-no

So farewell, and cheers for the craic
However, I will not be coming back

Such sadness I feel, he sighed
I wish we’d met at another time

Our heroine rolled her eyes
Boy, bye! she chimed

Our tale begins to draw to a close,
But some final truths I have to show

When someone tells you who they are, you should believe them
And waste no time on trying to reason

No one should make you feel less
For knowing that you want and enjoy sex

There is never shame in knowing what you want
Instead there is power, and remove it they can’t

You exist for more than pleasing others
And your pleasure is a great thing to discover

Remember this story for times when a partner is concerned only with their wants
And proudly say “Not today, you Princess Croissant!”



Tales from a slightly sarcastic, gleefully feminist killjoy.

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Laura-Anne Williams

Director of Get Social. Marketing and feminism are my bag, baby. And cake. Big fan thereof.