How I Learned to Stop Apologizing and Love my Inbox

For the 2 weeks leading up to my dissertation writing deadline, I gave up on my email and allowed it to build up, like grimy water in a sink filled with dishes. When I finally sat down to go through it, and it was really fun and enjoyable. A lot of the time, the words “going through my email” are preceded and/or followed by a lot of miserable sounds. Mostly I feel quite happy when I have time to catch up on my email, and this post is about small things I deliberately did to make email a source of joy rather than misery.

adulthood is emailing “sorry for the delayed response!” back and forth until one of you dies ~ internet proverb

Suggestion 1: Admit that you are not actually sorry. At professional development workshops for women, there’s a big emphasis emphasis on not needlessly apologizing. Of course, this is relevant not only to women. If your email response is horribly delayed, don’t say sorry unless you are actually sorry. Why would you? It is a totally useless expression. The receiver of “sorry abt delay” has basically no other option but to say “sorry abt delay” back, but you’re both still doing whatever prioritization you’ve been doing all along that results in the delays. Even if you are sorry, why not turn it into a positive statement about the recipient’s generosity, like “Thank you so much for your patience?”

Suggestion 2: Who Cares? I genuinely believe that 9 times out of 10, the person getting the delayed email is not aware of its delay (or at least does not care about it) until you point it out. I also encounter a lot of guilt over imaginary constraints no-one asked for. Are you stressed out about responding by end-of-day Friday because they gave you a deadline or because you made the deadline up at some point? Don’t make promises you can’t keep; under-promise and over-deliver. Avoid giving unnecessary explanations that you wouldn’t otherwise share with this person; these are irrelevant and/or over-sharing. If the person you’re exchanging emails with really cares about this sort of thing, adjust accordingly, but out of respect for this person’s time and energy, not out of pointless guilt.

Suggestion 3: Follow up; something is better than nothing, and late is better than never. The organizing emails are usually those things that prefer a prompt response, whereas letters prefer a thoughtful response. I’ve been known to reply to letters after literally months of radio silence, which probably sounds like terrible Internet etiquette. Nevertheless, I genuinely think that by setting this precedent, I have allowed people to feel more free to not worry about timing in their responses to me, and to engage with the conversation at their own pace. The answer to the previous question, “Who Cares?” is “definitely not Katerena!” and I want people I email with to know that I would rather receive an interesting response two months later than cause someone anxiety over “being overwhelmed with email.” I have several multi-year email threads, both personal and professional, which I value a great deal.

That said, if I get a genuinely urgent email, I will respond immediately. When I personally send urgent emails, I make the subject line and the first words of the email be the question/request. If additional information has to be in there, I make sure to bold/underline any action items, and put “Action Required by DATA regarding PROJECT” in the subject.

We teach others how to treat us through our actions. ~ something someone wise once told me

In all cases, if someone puts in time and energy to write to you, honor that by (1) acknowledging and (2) reciprocating. Even if you don’t have time to reciprocate right now, either create online relationships that reduce communication time pressure, or pro-actively reply something like “I got your email, I am really looking forward to reading and responding in a few days!”