ASSIGNING THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES ROLES IN A JRPG

will weldon
Nov 1 · 3 min read

Joe Biden - A king you encounter early in the game who is acting like an absolute dumb fuck cretin because of a curse put on him by the main bad guy. The player has to break the curse to advance to the next area, a process that takes hours and involves multiple other, smaller quests that must be done, not necessarily in any particular order.
Elizabeth Warren - An NPC who joins the party early on and assists the player by explaining how to use each new game mechanic as they are unlocked over the course of the game. Sometimes this is done in character, other times they just break the fourth wall and explain it directly.
Andrew Yang - Jeffrey Epstein was murdered.
Cory Booker - Gives out a new fetch quest every 24 hours of real time. Players complain that his content “isn’t satisfying”.
Kamala Harris - A guard who works for the king and refuses to let the party go to the next game area until they do whatever pointless, inane quest they’ve been given by the king to do before they have permission to proceed. “I know I should let you guys through, because your actual quest is important, but rules are rules!”
Amy Klobuchar - Primary henchman of the final boss. You fight her a few times early in the game, in battles that the game forces the player to lose, before finally fighting her for real at roughly the game’s mid-point.
Beto O’Rourke - Uh the guy in a JRPG that should’ve run for the fucking senate in Texas again but instead was a selfish asshole and ran a completely pointless super longshot presidential campaign.
Pete Buttigieg - A character the player briefly recruits into their party, before he betrays the player and they then, or very soon fight him in a boss battle. For some reason, his stats are way higher as an enemy than when he was in your party.
Julian Castro - I cannot stress this enough: Jeffrey Epstein was murdered.
Michael Bennett, Steve Bullock, John Delaney, etc - A slime, or goblin, or boar, or whatever enemy you encounter at the very start of the game that is easily killed and gives you 1xp and 1 gold.
Tom Steyer - A character who delusionally believes himself to be the prophesied “hero of light” (a role that actually belongs to the player character) who the player must later save after the character’s attempt at proving that he’s acually the chosen one goes terribly wrong.
Tulsi Gabbard - Uh, I dunno, S/Cid from Final Fantasy? Who cares.
Bernie Sanders - Maybe it seems like a big joke, all the people making and sharing “EPSTEIN MURDERED” memes, but it is stemming from a deep sense of hopelessness, a worry that all of his co-conspirators will get away with their crimes by taking an action that is no more demanding than having a man murdered (I understand that particular action probably seems like a pretty “demanding” thing to do for the vast majority of people reading this, but please remember that you also are not capable of raping teenagers as part of an international pedophilia ring, whereas his murderers assuredly are and did, so they have a way higher bar for depraved acts) and we will all be trapped with the fucked up knowledge that there is no crime too horrific, too disgusting that someone with money and power can expend a minimum amount of effort and get away with it. When so little of the establishment news media actually seems to care about the story of who’s guilty beyond Jeffrey Epstein (God bless the Miami Heralnd), well what else can you do in our deeply nihilistic world other than make fucking jokes about it online. Bernie Sanders is the player character.

Death to Will Weldon

Comedy! Wow!

will weldon

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www.oldmanweldon.com PODCAST: https://www.facebook.com/AngryLIttleGoats/

Death to Will Weldon

Comedy! Wow!

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