My Suicide Note

To whomever has found this, I want you to know that I am sorry. I’m sorry it’s come to this, and I’m sorry that you had to be the one to make what I’m sure is a horrible discovery. Not that I think I’m so great or anything; I’m not saying it’s horrible because you’re discovering my specific body, just a dead body in general. Like, this isn’t any kind of comment on my death being some sort of great loss to society, I’m just assuming the discovery of any dead body is horrible. Although, that’s probably an unfair generalization; when the Soviet army discovered Hitler’s corpse, they probably weren’t dropping to their knees, screaming “GOD, NO, SUICIDE IS NEVER THE ANSWER!” I’m sure they were disappointed that they didn’t get to slap him around a bit, or even kill him themselves, but I’m sure that feeling didn’t go much deeper than “disappointment.” No matter how badly you wanted to shoot Hitler yourself, I’m sure that when you come upon his dead body, you probably think “Yeah, this isn’t my number one outcome for this whole thing, but it certainly isn’t a worst case scenario.” Of course now that I’ve said all of that (or written it I guess, lol) maybe whoever is discovering my body will be someone who truly and utterly despised me. I’m no Hitler, but it’s tough to walk this Earth without pissing at least a few people off. If I’m being honest though, the odds are incredibly in favor of the person who finds this being a total stranger. Most of the people here at Disneyland are tourists, so how likely is it that any of them have ever met me? Not likely. Man, sorry this got so long winded, but I can’t really edit it. I really should’ve brought another piece of paper, or at least not written it in pen! Well, what are you gonna do? Before I run out of room, there are a couple of Fast Passes for Space Mountain, feel freetotakethem (NOTE: These last few words were all crushed together against the edge of the paper. The Fast Passes were expired.)