On Thanksgiving: A Conversation That Should’ve Been Had, But Never Was, And Now Never Can Be
BY GUEST AUTHOR: Tim Siddleman
Fuck ham. Ham fucking sucks. It’s fucking disgusting, it’s so sweet that it tastes like meat candy. Who the fuck wants meat candy? Nobody, that’s why I had to invent the phrase “meat candy” just now. Don’t steal it, I copyrighted it. See: MEAT CANDY©.
Ham is gross as shit and anybody who wants to serve you ham on Thanksgiving instead of Turkey should be thrown into a fucking dumpster and then drowned in hams. Turkey is vastly to superior to disgusting ass ham, and turkey isn’t even that good. Turkey is the default thanksgiving meat, so if you’re going to pick something offbeat make like brisket or rotisserie chicken or something. Honey glazed ham isn’t actually glazed with honey, it’s glazed with sweat; it’s sweating because it’s so nervous that everyone will realize the truth that ham fucking sucks my fucking pink asshole and then no one will shame our lord and savior the Christ child by ingesting dirty dick ham ever fucking again.
My mom made ham for thanksgiving one year and I was so fucking disgusted that I picked the entire thanksgiving table up and carried it seven miles to the fucking nasty ass dump. The guy who works at the dump said “Don’t throw your disgusting shit here!” that’s how gross ham is. Too gross for the dump. My mom ruins fucking Easter with ham, she can’t ruin god damn thanksgiving with it, too. Fucking ham. Nasty ass shit. Anyway, the reason this conversation can never take place now is because my mom banned me from talking about ham in front of her. “The wayyou describe it makes me nauseous” she says. Well mom, welcome to the “how I feel when I fucking have to cram sickly sweet fucked up mother fucking ham in my gullet” club. It’s a club I’m the president of, and every person with good and not fucked up toilet water tastebuds is also co-president of.
Tim Siddleman, or “Wee Timmy” is considered the culinary genius of his fifth grade class, and loves to write his court mandated essays.