I’m worried that not everyone else is as excited for the upcoming film AMERICAN ASSASSIN as I am. As there is no way the movie isn’t extremely good, I gotta imagine that the big problem is just that the advertising isn’t getting people hyped up for it. With that in mind, I have some taglines I think might get people talking about the incredibly exciting AMERICAN ASSASSIN, coming out this September…

  • This fall, the producer of American Assassin repays Dylan O’Brien’s agent that favor he owed him!
  • Like American Pie only not a pie but an ASSASSIN! American Assassin, this fall!
  • This fall, an old man and a teen boy stop terrorism, apparently! AMERICAN ASSASSIN!
  • Not exactly fuckin’ Shakespeare! THIS FALL!
  • Michael Keaton gets paid, in… AMERICAN ASSASSIN!
  • “They killed my nineteen year old big titty wife, so now I’m going to kill… THEM!” American Assassin coming THIS FALL
  • Terrorism doesn’t pay, unless it’s AMERICAN! COMING THIS FALL!
  • This fall’s most irresponsible filmmaking presents… AMERICAN ASSASSIN!
  • Liberal Hollywood my God damn shit filled ass! AMERICAN ASSASSIN! THIS FALL!
  • We made you this garbage because WE DON’T RESPECT YOU! American Assassin! Coming this fall!
  • “Assassin” has the word“ass” in it TWICE! That’s pretty funny! THIS FALL!
  • This Fall, it’s a piss-poor distraction from America’s perpetual drone war! AMERICAN ASSASSIN!
  • You know how there have been tons of American assassins? How about… ANOTHER ONE! THIS FALL!
  • This fall, we made the villain white so we can deflect charges of racism! AMERICAN ASSASSIN!

I am incredibly confident that at least one of these taglines will really get butts in seats. Please pay me for all of them, thank you.