The “Fucking Fuck Shit Fuck” Comedy Festival FAQ

will weldon
Dec 31, 2017 · 3 min read

WOW! A COMEDY FESTIVAL! WHAT’S THE DEAL?

Yes, that’s right, it’s another comedy festival. We looked around at our small city that is affectionately known in the Guinness Book of World Records as “The most indifferent to stand-up comedy city in America” and thought “This town needs a comedy festival. But not just any comedy festival. They need a comedy festival run by people with no prior experience in organizing or managing anything aside from the one guy who was fired from assistant managing a Burger King oh and also he was fired for sexual harassment.”

WOW! WHAT IS THE TALENT LIKE?

We here at the FFSF Comedy Festival are proud to showcase a wide variety of both local and out-of-state open micers who are not currently serving under house arrest, as well as a variety of established comics who somehow missed all of their peers’ warnings about our festival, and even a few nationally known touring headliners, who will end up firing their agents after they do their first show here.

WOW! ARE ACCOMODATIONS AND TRAVEL PAID FOR BY THE FESTIVAL?

Unfortunately, travel is not covered here (though many people take a look at our city’s unusually high aggressively violent murder rate and consider this a blessing) but we have struck a deal with a local hotel that has promised to give a 10% discount to any comedians who are here for the festival and promise not to review the hotel on either Yelp or Trip Advisor.

DOES IT PAY?

This question is the funniest thing that will ever be associated with this comedy festival.

WOW! HOW DO I SUBMIT?

Simply click the link here to be forwarded to our submissions page. Please do not asked for a booked spot, as we have already promised them to our friends who have all also been fired from Burger King for sexual harassment. Submission fees go up, the later you submit.

EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM THAT IS A METAPHOR FOR FOURTEEN MINUTES OF BAD STAGE TIME TIER — Submit between the moment this is posted and five minutes afterwards: $20

TRYING YOUR BEST NOT TO GO BROKE SUBMITTING TIER — Submit between six minutes after this is posted, and however long I am away from my computer while I take my 500th consecutive nightmarish shit: $35

THE ORGANIZERS ARE HOPING TO ALL BE ABLE TO BUY NINTENDO SWITCHES FROM THIS TIER — Once I’ve finished wiping my terrible ass until submissions close, three weeks after the festival is over.

WOW! IF I DON’T GET IN, DO I GET MY MONEY BACK?

This bit is also incredibly funny.

WOW! WILL THEIR BE ANY INDUSTRY THERE?

Yes! We are proud to have some of the smartest and most powerful people in the entertainment industry here at our festival, checking the talent out. They include:

  • An intern from Adult Swim
  • The casting director for our local Shakespeare in the Park, even though our last parked was turned into a burned down Jack in the Box fifteen years ago
  • A guy from William Morris Endeavor who is being sent here because his bosses are trying to get him to quit
  • My mother, who just knows it when she sees it
  • And many, many more!

WOW! SOUNDS GREAT!(?)

I know, right? That’s because you haven’t done enough of these things yet, and you’ve heard such good things about festivals like Bridgetown that you assume they must all be that fun! Well, the only real joke this festival will produce is on you and the meager audience, friend! SIGN UP TODAY!

Death to Will Weldon

Comedy! Wow!

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