THE ODDS ON HOW CHRISTMAS WITH MY FAMILY WILL BE RUINED THIS YEAR

The lines have just rolled in from Las Vegas this year, and we have some incredibly tantalizing odds on how Christmas will be ruined this year. Let’s take a look…

  1. I drunkenly inform my mother that the little drummer boy can “suck my cock” (8:1)
  2. My Dad somehow loses in a hand while using the snow blower (5:1)
  3. One of the cousins announces that they are gay, then later takes it back, leaving everyone who wasn’t present for both conversations incredibly confused (2:1)
  4. One of the younger cousins jerks off the cat, and I’m forced to recall my 12th grade biology class in order to explain why the cat’s dick is so weird (2:3)
  5. The ghost of one of the deceased grandparents comes for revenge against one of the still living grand parents (12:1)
  6. The vegetarian items are revealed to have more meat in them than the non-vegetarian, and the two vegetarians at the table revolt; the revolt will be swiftly crushed (5:2)
  7. Someone speaks ill of Princess Diana, leading to my Grand mother flipping the entire table over (3:1)
  8. The kids’ table unionizes (4:1)
  9. All of the men suffer sudden synchronized nose bleeds due to the dry air, and my Mother melts down over her ruined table linens (1:1)
  10. Sex is mentioned even briefly, and everyone is so consumed with Catholic guilt and shame that they burst into flames (2:1)

Come back tomorrow for some great prop bets, including “An empty threat of divorce” and “Everyone pretends like it’s no big deal that the toddler just burned themselves on the stove so that hopefully they don’t start crying.”