The Will Weldon™ Academy Awards™ (No Relation©)
Award season is finally over, which means we may all stop obsessing over who wore what gown, to what guild’s awards, which presented how movie with its top prize (I myself am a member of the League of Best Boys, which this year gave its most prestigious award, “The Very Perfect Boy”, to the motion picture “Doctor Sleep”). However, while you may all be ready to return to the grind of whatever you do for work, be it digging in the soft earth for truffles, or slowly sliding metal rods into the penis holes of rich businessmen, I am finally ready to give out my awards out. I prefer to do it after the Oscars, because I don’t want to influence how the members of the Academy might vote. So, with much excitement, welcome to the Will Weldon™ Academy Awards™ (No Relation©).
Here is our venue, the beautiful Scotiabank Theater in Calgary, Alberta…
Here is our wonderful orchestra, the Bishop Grandin Marching Ghosts…
And now our host, Global Calgary weatherman Jordan Witzel!
“Hello everyone, thank you so much for joining us. Have you heard about some of the movies that came out this year? Boy oh boy, there are some funny observations to be made about them. Same with many of the actors, as well as some behind the scenes people.” (Jordan Looks at his watch) “Well, would you look at the time. It’s that time again. Time for awards!”
Best Reckless Driving - Once Upon a Time in Hollywood
Expert Analysis: While Ford v Ferrari was the obvious pick for many of the voters, OUaTiH ended up taking this one simply because there are rules governing the insane driving of Formula 1 drivers, whereas the assholes who whip off of the various Canyons (Mulholland, Coldwater, the underrated Topanga, etc.) each have their own specific rules, which they keep to themsleves, making it even more dangerous. And, while the differences may be subtle, OUaTiH recognizes that while men like Cliff Booth and Roman Polanski might both drive like suicidal assholes, there are differences between how a man who has come to terms with his own lowly lot in life, and a man who is at the peak of his fame and powers and has a beautiful woman in his passenger seat, would each drive dangerously. What an incredible attention to detail!
Most Audible Gasp in the Theater - Once Upon a Time in Hollywood
Expert Analysis: While no movie has quite reached the glorious heights in this category that 2018’s Widows did, where the row of middle aged black women seated behind me almost literally sucked the air out of the room as Cynthia Erivo slapped Viola Davis, multiple generations of women all coming together to lose their ability to speak when Brad Pitt takes his shirt off comes pretty close.
“And now, for a special musical interlude so that the PAs backstage have some time to clean up the vomit and diarrhea all over the nominee’s green room, performing his award winning theme song to the film Venom, here’s Eminem with his song Eminem’s theme song for the movie Venom!”
Most Actor Who Seems to be Enjoying Himself Again- Leonardo DiCaprio, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood
Expert Analysis: After years of wooden, joyless performances in movies like Inception and J Edgar, it’s nice to see Leo having fun onscreen again playing a slave owner, criminal Wall Street tycoon, and a washed-up has-been. Nice, and perhaps mildly unnerving…
Brad Pitt - Once Upon a Time in Hollywood
Expert Analysis: While other Brad Pitt’s have Brad Pitt, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood Brad Pitt as Brad Pitt has Brad Pitt in rare Brad Pitt, much to the Brad Pitt of Brad Pitt fans.
Most Power in the Editing Room - Quentin Tarantino, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood
Expert Analysis: Many may be outraged by obvious front runner The Irishman losing out on what seemed to be the easiest decision of the season, but Tarantino providing us with multiple examples of Leonardo DiCaprio’s Rick Dalton being edited into Hogan’s Heroes, despite it being only mildly funny the first time, shows the true power that the director holds to do whatever the absolute fuck he wants in the editing room.
“Now it’s time for the only award people care about, as studies have shown the only people watching the earlier moments of the ceremony were simply too busy getting wanked off on their beanbag couches to turn the channel, it’s the award for Best Picture aka Most Good Movie!”
Best Picture/Most Good Movie - Parasite
Expert Analysis: Um, I was into Bong Joon-Ho before it was cool (since like three or four years ago).
“Well, that’s the ceremony, thanks so much to everyone for attending, and all of the nominees, whom I specifically did not list even once tonight because many of them disgust me, for their work this year. This business is full of sex criminals, and all of you will be imprisoned on your way out of the ceremony under threat of death! Lock the doors!”
