As I write this, people in this country are growing more and more conscious of the threat posed by “The Left.” Now, if you’re wondering why I put “The Left” in quotation marks, it is because these verbal thugs, these agitators of online, don’t TRULY represent the left. I consider myself to be a classical leftist, what with my support for free markets, the endorsing of the rights of property owners above all other rights, and my well-known support for South American far-right death squads. These new leftists, or the “Alt-Left” as our fairly elected president (whom I have pretty mixed feelings about, which further burnishes my actual left wing credentials) calls them, value nothing other than silencing any and all critics of their foul movement, and by any means necessary.
For example, take my recent Tweet honoring the Chinese new year, in which I took a photo of myself with Chiclets in front of my two front teeth while pulling my eyes back so that they were only slits, and added the caption “Rappy Rinese Rew Rear!” Now, any reasonable observer would clearly see that the Tweet was meant to be taken in the highest esteem; after all, if imitation is the highest form of flattery, I cannot imagine a thing more flattering to a race of people than literally imitating both their appearance and natural dialect! But certain logged-on agitators, who crave nothing more than to see me fired from my position of “Senior Editorial Contributor” at the New York City Exhibitor (which my so-called “detractors” love to point out was purchased by Father, then stripped of all of its fact-checkers, and whose editors were then forced at literal gunpoint to hire me, as if that has anything to do with my value as a writer and thinker!) have whipped up a mob of, I’m sorry to say but it’s true, incredibly gullible Twitter users into thinking what I wrote was somehow “offensive,” or “inappropriate.” Over the course of the next few days, I was subjected to abuse that could only reasonably be described as being akin to being lynched, dying, and then going to hell and alternating between being lynched yet again, and having a nuclear bomb dropped on you (to be fair, I’m assuming in this situation you would get a day or two a month off from punishment, so that you do not become too acclimated to this horror.) I received tweets that said things ranging from “this sucks” to “do better” to even “Bill Weldildo.” You may be familiar with this incredibly harrowing saga of my life, as I appeared on over seven dozen news programs and talk shows to talk about my having been silenced by “The Left.”
Why am I being subjected to such hate? Well, it’s for a reason no more complicated than my attempts to defend the very democracy that we all know and love. The hypocritical Left took exception to my dozens of letters written under made-up and stolen identities that I sent to the editors and/or bosses of anyone whom I ever saw express an opinion that I did not like, but those letters were simply me showing just how valuable and great free speech truly is in this country. After all, what could be more of an expression of free speech than making up dozens of people, and then using them to make it seem as if many more people were expressing the same speech as myself than there actually were? Nothing. As for other criticisms (that’s the sound of scoffing), did I try to get professors who criticized Israel/The right/the idea that the American civil war had nothing to do with slavery fired? Did I hurl a Molotov cocktail at the Jacobin offices last year? Did I try to drown Noam Chomsky in his own bathtub? Yes, yes, and yes. Again, I am being attacked for nothing more than exercising that most American of value, that of free speech. It is wrong, it is thuggish, it stinks to high heaven, and we cannot let these attacks on me, which are actually attacks on us all, continue.
I could not end this, however, without thanking the people who have consistently defended me from such unfair violent hatred and persecution (and I’m probably putting it lightly there.) There is of course my billionaire father, whose name has been redacted from all written documents so that he may exercise his own right to spend his money however he wants, be it on freedom-based media, or arming school shooters and Neo-Nazis. The Bush-era proponents of torture, violence, and suing the press, who have also suffered attacks on their ability to express themselves as executive editors at most major media corporations. The GOOD kind of Hollywood celebrities, who are so out of touch with reality that they are forced to count their personal staff among the “regular people” that they are friends with. Centrist pundits who are constantly getting shit all over on Twitter, and would rather side with cruel, right wing maniacs than actually do some introspection and self-reflection. And finally, Bill Maher, who is one of the most gullible useful idiots in the history of American media.
Bill Weldon is the Senior Editorial Contributor at the New York City Exhibitor. He is Father’s son, and Father says he is good. Sometimes Will is bad, and Father let’s him know, and then he is not bad again. He is the author of three hundred self-published books, including “Father Please Publish This,” “Father’s Guide to Dating his Adult Boy,” and “Rick’s Rules! The Complete Unauthorized Guide to Rick & Morty.”