Motherhood Trends in Turkey
The confluence of traditional values and modern technology
by Başak Abdula and Pınar Kocabıyıkoğlu, Partners, FutureBright and ZMET Institute
Technology has made things easier for us as we play different roles in the modern age, but it has imposed considerable burdens at the same time. Its impact on motherhood is no exception.
Before we analyze the motherhood trends that prevail in Turkey, it may help to look at some of the deeply rooted cultural codes that define motherhood here.
Islamic discourse, which is one of the most important contributors to the Turkish culture, emphasizes that the earthly world is a fake and a temporary one and that the eternal world is the real and ultimate world. In that sense, the earthly world should be seen as a challenge and, really, an investment. All the suffering of this world is to be rewarded in the eternal world. For centuries, sacrifice, patience and suffering have been viewed as virtues in Turkish culture.
Such a cultural backdrop leads to a further thickening of the sacrificial garb that the mother is wearing. Since her default settings are naturally programmed to give, motherhood becomes an unbearably heavy role to assume. On the other hand, Islamic discourse and Turkish culture attribute value to motherhood, elevating it to a sacred rank. Therefore, the demanding sacrifice expected from the mother becomes meaningful and seemingly less onerous. Indeed, the tradeoff between the mother’s sacrifice and her well-being is a feature that Turkish mothers take pride in and voice exuberantly. (E.g. “I breastfed for a full period of 4 months despite the scar on my nipple.”)
“Womanhood is worthless…motherhood is sacred.”
Moreover, women also embrace the role of motherhood because it represents a promotion in the eyes of the society. Women from the lowest SES group, who have no say in the household and to whom society attributes little value, end up having a say at home when they become a mother. Society almost places an epaulette on their shoulder. As psychologist Nur Metin Korkmaz asserts in the May issue of the Turkish psychology journal Psikeart; “In this country, womanhood is worthless while motherhood is sacred.”
These dynamics have influenced Turkish motherhood for decades. However, the digital revolution has sparked some changes in the definition of the ideal motherhood. Turkish women now can see role models exhibiting different practices of motherhood across the globe, which has paved the way for newly emerging dynamics.
We see four global trends that are affecting how Turkish women approach motherhood. We can plot these trends along two axes:
Please note that the trends in question do not just represent the motherhood segments in Turkey, but rather the movement in various directions towards which modern motherhood is evolving globally.
Achievement-Oriented Parenting
Shaped around knowledge rather than intuition, this trend leaves little room for spontaneity. It focuses on “control” and strives for a regimented, impeccable and perfectionist form of motherhood. Although these moms are willing to shape their lives around their children to conform with to the aforementioned cultural code of sacrifice, they place themselves in the heart of their parenting practice, rather than their children.
Achievement-oriented moms use knowledge to draw borders and maintain control. They do not rely on the ancient and canonical knowledge passed from one generation to the other. Instead, they glorify up-to-date scientific learning. Though internet research is an indispensable source, they deem information from books and specialists to be more reliable. They generally start to read about child development and parenting in the first trimester of their pregnancy and continue that learning over time. They also tend to follow specialists on social media.
Mothers who adopt this mindset set rigid parenting rules and adopt a clear-cut framework to systematize daily child-related issues. The planning of daily life goes beyond nutrition, social activities and sleep time, extending all the way to a well-defined schedule for play, which, paradoxically, is by nature an open-ended and creative activity. For example, they may read a few books about age-appropriate games, analyze the readings, and then leave the caregiver a list of games to play with the child as they leave home for work in the morning.
These mothers are eager to expose their children to new experiences. The child should plant a variety of seeds and look for ones that can sprout. These can include:
· Exposing the baby to Mozart and Bach while it is still in the womb
· Making the baby touch a number of fabrics and smell various spices in order to stimulate the senses and brain development
· Taking 0–6-month-old infants to play groups and gym clubs
· Feeding whole pieces of food to the baby while transitioning to supplementary food, encouraging BLW (baby-led weaning)
Although these mothers may seem strict with rules, they are flexible to embrace the newest information even if it clashes with their accepted beliefs.
· While they avoid pacifiers for fear they will damage their babies’ mouth and teeth, they accept them upon receiving new information that sucking is a strong and important reflex for the child.
· While they may refuse swaddling since it restricts the baby’s movement, the practice suddenly becomes popular again after a new parenting book suggests that it makes the baby feel safe, like in the mother’s womb.
· After worrying for years that their child is understimulated, they readjust daily dynamics when they learn that overstimulation may also be risky.
Achievement-oriented mothers do not seek or respect the views of mothers they deem from a lower socioeconmic status (SES) or knowledge background, nor those of mothers who take the business of motherhood more lightly. However, they try to take as much advantage as possible from a network of like-minded mothers. An important example of such solidarity is Araştıran Anneler Grubu (Researcher Moms Group), whose admin was invited to the US after Facebook selected the group as one of the ten most reliable Facebook groups in Turkey. Currently the group has 10,623 members. The members are approved by a meticulous board, and the group’s discussions are governed by very clear rules. Furthermore, it is quite common for mothers to set up WhatsApp groups or small neighborhood groups for exchanging knowledge and experiences regarding child development.
These moms also care more about the healthy development of the child rather than the child’s current happiness. Practices such as the timeout chair or sleep training are quite common. They engage in harsh conflicts with the past generation since they deem new and contemporary information superior to folk knowledge and anecdotal experience. They can disregard social pressure and, in fact, lash out at times, totally discounting cultural norms. We might see them deliver a harsh warning to an old lady who pats their child on the head or react negatively to adults who give direct warnings to their child (e.g. “Oh, you are such a big boy, do you still suck on a pacifier?”)
These moms care about both their child’s success as well as their own success as a mother. However, in high SES families, “all that matters is my child’s happiness” is a line that has become prevalent in recent years. Since it is not socially acceptable for parents to drive their children hard to achieve success, families shy away from saying that they want their child to achieve. However, their unspoken desire to raise successful children is still quite dominant in Turkey.
In one of the sessions at MomTalks, a pioneering parenting event in Turkey held in May 2018, Ali Koç, the owner of a popular school and education web site, described the situation as follows: “At the onset of elementary school, all families say ‘I just want my child to be happy, I don’t want anything else.’ When the child is in Grade 3 and 4, the discourse changes to ‘I want my child to be happy and successful’, and in the 8th grade it becomes ‘I want my child to be successful.’”
Attachment Parenting
Attachment Parenting stands out as a recent but rapidly growing trend in Turkey. It is not only a trend but also a pedagogical approach that argues that the relationship patterns between a newborn and her primary caregiver sets the basis for her relationships with the rest of the world throughout her life. It is an extremely child-oriented perspective.
Attachment parenting is supported by accredited specialists in Turkey. These specialists offer voluntary support via a Facebook group called Attachment Parenting Türkiye, which boasts more than 8,000 members. They share live broadcasts and recorded videos, as they reinforce and disseminate the non-violent love language that is part and parcel of this approach. The trend comes with its own jargon: “toilet training” vs. “toilet communication,” “solid food” vs. “baby led weaning,” “weaning” vs. “natural weaning.”
There is no room for reward or punishment in attachment parenting, just positive discipline. These moms believe that there is an important underlying reason for every undesirable child behavior, and they try to focus on these reasons rather than the behaviors.
Devotees encourage flexibility and spontaneity in decisions regarding the child. However, since they emphasize a healthy relationship with the child — and are afraid to make a mistake that would weaken this bond — attachment moms constantly check of the status of their attachment, which leads to a dominant control motivation that operates in the background. Since relationships are central to this approach, intuition gains priority over knowledge.
Because the relationship with the child has an eternal and everlasting nature that lives and transforms 24/7, these moms live in a world in which they can never sit back, relax, and feel completely satisfied about their motherhood.
Natural Parenting
Natural motherhood/natural parenting represents an orientation towards what is ancient and natural, turning a deaf ear to the numerous modern voices regarding motherhood and parenting. Based on this approach, the mother intuitively knows what to do when she holds her baby and requires no information or guidance to perform her innately-coded maternal duties. (E.g.; Spontaneously diminished tone of voice when talking to the baby, swinging the baby with mild, rhythmic movements when holding her, etc.)
“Mother Nature knows the single best way of parenting”
The approach contends that the mother will get stronger when she starts to focus on the signals coming from the baby and the baby will start to signal better in return. Though the trend is based on the ancient assumption that “Mother Nature” knows the single best way of parenting, one of its most significant effects is the popularity of many techniques that are totally incompatible with one another.
A similar phenomenon has become observable among specialists in recent years. For instance, Ali Koç, who spoke at the aforementioned MomTalks 2018 event, argued that knowledge is the biggest barrier to wisdom and that the fragmented knowledge of mankind prevents access to intuition. In the same event, Prof. Sinan Canan, an expert recognized with his work in neuroscience, underlined that an inexperienced mother would naturally know basic care such as burping the baby, that this is encoded within her and that the mirror neurons fire as soon as the baby is born to help her understand the needs of the baby and offer comfort.
There is no room for reward or punishment in Natural Parenting. If any feedback is to be given to the child, it should focus on the child’s behavior, not the child himself.
Although Natural Parenting has parallels with Attachment Parenting, it diverges from Attachment Parenting in terms of prioritizing intuition over knowledge, shaping the well-being and happiness of the child not around a single concept such as attachment but around the whole parenting practice, and most of all with its withdrawal from over-conscious parenting.
Furthermore, Natural Parenting views all mothers to be very similar, in essence, which brings it close to the ZMET (Zaltman Metaphor Elicitation Technique) philosophy. The latter asserts that we would see more similarities than differences in people should we delve deeply enough.
Let Go Parenting
Mothers who are frustrated by the feelings of inadequacy that come with trying to be the “ideal mother” and who believe that their motherhood skills are constantly being questioned, are attempting at a counter-revolution called Let Go Motherhood.
Mothers who adopt this trend leave aside this “idealized world” and go for a motherhood model that allow a frameless and free flowing life for both themselves and their child. In fact, these mothers believe that the “ideal” motherhood is an impossible concept and that motherhood is a marathon rather than a sprint, to be embraced with all its faults. Thus, flexibility and spontaneity are the main principles. Rather than overprotecting, these mothers want to expose their children to as much as possible, even letting them fail sometimes, in order to build resilience and recovery skills. As it happens, resilience has become a popular concept in Turkey recently, followed by the blossoming of publications addressing this topic.
Similarly, It is acceptable to make mistakes in parenting or at times cross some red lines (letting the child watch TV or eat candy) for the sake of their own comfort as parents.
Because this parenting approach touches a pain point that stems from a deep tension, it has quickly spread in literature and popular culture. Publications, brand communication and social media accounts have been built around this philosophy.
This is one of the reasons why the “10th month” campaign by Bepanthol skin cream asking new mothers “By the way, how are you?” has echoed widely among Turkish mothers.
The accumulated tension leading to the birth of this trend is so intense that it has created its own anti-heroes. It seems that almost every day on social media a new account is opened that teases control-oriented motherhood or that features a mom making fun of her own motherhood practices in front of her followers.
The largest of such accounts has more than 134,000 followers on Instagram. The owner of the account has a bestselling book that mocks the idea of perfect motherhood and criticizes such pressure using a humorous language.
How will these trends evolve?
We can examine in which way these four dominant motherhood trends will progress on the basis of the dynamics of Turkish culture, digitalization, and inter-generational transformation.
We see that the most rooted and biggest among these trends is Achievement Oriented motherhood. Though currently pioneered by the moms in higher socioeconomic groups, it seems that the trend will appeal to the broader masses over time.
However, it is also possible to argue that the trend will lose momentum. That is because Let go Parenting, situated at the opposite end of control and spontaneity and trend spread by those who feel frustrated with the cascade of rules about how to raise children, may continue to grow since it responds to a dominant emotional need, and it will present a challenge to the achievement-oriented motherhood trend. As long as achievement-oriented motherhood exists, it looks like Let Go Parenting will continue to feed off of it and create its anti-heroes, use humor as a powerful weapon and spread the vitalizing energy of revolt. In fact, we expect mother and baby brands to dwell on this insight and build their communication in tandem with this trend. Particularly in those baby care categories where the leader brand is perceived to be didactic, official and regimented, such a positioning would be a suitable fit for challenger brands.
Beyond being a trend in itself, Attachment Parenting is embraced by many mothers who had a hurtful childhood marked by lack of attention and a sense that they were not properly valued. They say, “I will not raise my child this way,” which in turn means this trend has a strong lifeblood and likely is here to stay for a while. Furthermore, the teachings of this approach are closer to the collectivist Turkish culture as opposed to practices such as sleep training; therefore, it is possible that it may be embraced even more in this country and grow over time.
As a trend that is similar to Attachment Parenting but concentrates more on the intuitive aspect of child-rearing, Natural Parenting will most likely remain a niche since it focuses on a narrower area while creating its own discourse.
It is certain that several motherhood trends will come and go over the decades to follow, with current trends transforming, waning in the face of counter-trends, and maybe gaining popularity again over time. However, it looks like the eternal conflict between knowledge and intuition shall exist for many years to come as a question that is above and beyond all trends.
Başak Abdula and Pınar Kocabıyıkoğlu are Partners at the ZMET Institute and FutureBright, a boutique marketing research and strategic consultancy company based in Istanbul — Olson Zaltman’s exclusive ZMET partner in Turkey.
