33 Ways Your Parents Ruined Halloween in the 1980s

Halloween is great any year, any time of year, any hour of the day. If I had my way, it would be Halloween all the time.

All. The. Time.

As great as Halloween is now, though, it may have been even better in the 1980s. Things were more unrestricted back then …

Ghost stories. Hay rides. Big ol’ honkin’ bonfires. And pranks.

Good stuff.

But … if you were a kid in the 1980s, chances are pretty good your parents attempted to put their stamp on this, the Greatest of All Holidays.

Here are 33 ways your parents might have tried to ruin Halloween in the 1980s.

1. Your dad home-made your costume because it was “more original” that way.
2. They drove you from house to house (if you lived in the country).
3. They walked you from house to house (if you lived in the city).
4. They held your “big bag” of candy while you carried the little bag to each house.
5. Your dad made you keep going, even when it was rainy and cold, and even when you had enough candy to kill a small family of hyenas, because your family always finishes what they start.
6. Your dad home-made his costume to complement yours.

7. Your dad ate the Reese’s Cups from your big bag of candy while you carried the little bag to each house.

8. Your mom gave you peanut butter kisses to eat in between houses.

9. Your mom gave you real kisses in between houses.

10. Your mom kept yelling at you to “button your collar so you don’t get sick.”

11. Your mom kept putting a coat on you between houses … so you wouldn’t get sick.

12. They … oh God … made out in the car while you were walking between houses.

13. Your dad had lipstick on his face the rest of the night.

14. Your mom’s hair was smushed to one side the rest of the night.

15. They made you walk with your cousin Erma because she hadn’t made any friends in school yet. Erma was three years older than you and had always gone to the same school.

16. They just laughed when you told them Erma kissed you on the … um … mask.

17. They made you wear a flame-retardant clown costume. You decided it would be a good idea to put the bow tie in your mouth. It tasted like matches. You didn’t like irony.

18. Your mom took Polaroids of you in your costume and made you wait until they were dry before you could go trick-or-treating.

19. Your dad got “artistic” with his pumpkin carving. The light-saber scene didn’t quite pan out, though, and everyone was talking about your Dick O’Lantern at school the next day.

20. When you were older, you stayed home and handed out the treats mom had hand-picked for you — raisins, licorice, and baggies of plain, stale, home-popped popcorn.

21. They picked you up at school, already in costume.

22. They wouldn’t let you go trick-or-treating until you ate your dinner. It was always a casserole. It was the 80s.

23. They wouldn’t let you stay up and eat all your candy on Halloween night.

24. Your dad came up behind you and that girl you really liked and said, “So, is this that girl you really like?”.

25. Your mom came straight at you and that girl you really liked and said, “You’re right, honey! She does look a little like Eileen Brennan!”.

26. They surprised you at college by showing up in Raggedy Ann and Andy costumes.

27. They made you watch “The Exorcist.” Alone. With the lights out. And, sometimes, they crawled back into the room and grabbed your feet or made pea soup sounds. It wasn’t right.

28. Your dad went into your first boy-girl Halloween party with you so he could talk “man-to-man with the man of the house.”

29. Your mom made you take pumpkin gumdrop cupcakes to your classroom party. They were the Halloween equivalent of fruitcake, and some of your Facebook friends who stayed in the area claim a few of them are still in the teacher’s lounge.

30. Your mom put the Christmas tree up the night before Halloween.

31. Your dad decided to grow his own pumpkins one year but planted cantaloupe instead. You were the only kid with a carved melon demon on your front stoop.

32. Your mom took a turn in the dunk tank at your school’s fall festival. She wore a t-shirt and shorts.

33. Two words: pumpkin bong.