Hey, Sorry Our Detergent Looks Like Candy
Dear all our wonderful Procter & Gamble customers…
Hi there, I’m the inventor of Tide Pods, the ultra-convenient laundry detergent. Over the past few years you may have seen in the news that our fantastic pods, though cheap and easy to use, are accidentally poisoning around thirty children every day, and I’ve been told that’s a lot. As the original idea man behind Tide Pods, I must say this was not my intent. A few years back I wandered in to the Tide R&D department on a day when I hadn’t eaten breakfast, and asked for two simple things: one, a detergent that looked refreshing and minty. And two, that this detergent have a crispy, chocolate candy shell. I got one of these two requests, and so the Tide Pods were born.
But how was I to know that these pods would look appetizing to kids? I live the same single, hedonistic, sex-filled lifestyle as any Tide employee. I know nothing of children or what they eat! But we here at Tide are committed to righting this wrong. Our same development team has been hard at work, and we’d like to present our new Tide products, which are now safe for the tiny people in your house.
The Tide Shaker
Our first priority in designing new child-safe products was making them so sophisticated that no baby could possibly operate them. Therefore, let me introduce the Tide Shaker. The Shaker can break up and distribute powerful Tide Acti-Lift Crystals, by waving it in a complicated up and down motion over your laundry. And with the shaker’s plastic handle, you can be sure you’ll hang on to it even if you constantly suck on your own hands.
The Tide Squirt Bottle
Now I took a real guess here, but I can’t imagine a baby would find this appetizing. Though to be fair, when I was fed as a child, my father would just put a bag of walnuts and a rock on the table and scream “EAT!” We don’t get along. Anyway, the Tide Squirt Bottle lets you measure the exact amount of detergent you’d like in your load. And it’s microwave safe, which means you can heat up your detergent and the bottle will provide a kind, comforting feeling.
Cheerios with Tide
Our Tide scientists have recently learned that the best way to penetrate stains in your whitest whites is with a circular, solid detergent that allows for maximum dissolution. So imagine my joy when the General Mills intern I called said we could add the stain fighting chemicals of Tide, to the honey nut crunch of Cheerios! And because it’s a grown-up cereal, we know Cheerios with Tide won’t look good to your kids. Feel free to keep a bowl in your laundry room!
The Tide Spinner
Do you need your detergent spread across a large load of laundry? The Tide Spinner is the ultimate baby deterrent as it both distributes detergent equally, and scares children away with things they hate like penguins, seahorses, and a happy octopus. And as an extra deterrent, it plays the haunting melody, “Baa Baa Black Sheep.”
The Ultimate Tide Dispenser
Here it is, my masterpiece. I’ve been designing this prototype in my backyard shed for years. The Ultimate Tide Dispenser’s dual detergent sacks can carry both standard Tide and Tide with bleach. Simply attach the dispenser above your washing machine (roughly four feet off the ground) and no child would think to approach it looking for sweet, life-giving detergent. Then just tweak the left or right dispenser, and you’ve got laundry that’s as fresh as the day you bought it!
Conclusion…
Well, I hope you can rest easy knowing that the next generation of Tide products will help keep your clothes clean and your children safe. If my dad and I talked, I’m sure he’d be proud. Pick them up wherever stuff is sold!
None of these products are real, any likeness to real products is purely coincidence. Tim Dunn is a writer, improviser, and podcaster in Chicago, and not an employee of Tide or Procter & Gamble. Please don’t sue him, he doesn’t make much money.
