Your Content Sucks

Q: Do you pay cheap copywriters for keyword-stuffed content?

A: No — Advance to the final line.
A: Yes — Read on.

Your content sucks. It’s written by people who have no interest in what you do, your message, your brand, the fact you’re paying £2 per article, or your bounce rate. They’re writing about fitness one minute and doughnuts the next. It’s hideous.

Your content sucks. It clutters up the internet like plastic bags at a landfill. It’s space junk. It’s generic, uninteresting, unintelligent trash. If it was in paper form, I wouldn’t even even recycle it.

Your content sucks. If it was a Masterchef contestant, it would fall over carrying a plate and put its face in a failed soufflé. The duck would be burnt and the potato fondants a shambles. It took on too much.

Your content sucks. If it was interviewed on TV it’d be that taxi driver that turned up at the BBC by mistake. It’s Mr Bean on pause. It’s cheap battenburg.

It’s “the next best thing in life insurance” and “visionary thinking”. “Tactical delivery” and “10 ways to retire”.

I don’t want to read any of it. None of it at all. I’d rather watch Heartbeat in an igloo with Nick Berry as he hums the theme tune over and over again — “Da, da, da, da, daaa, da, da, da, da, daaa”…

It’s that banana that seems okay until you peel it. It’s a wasp in your cider. It’s the sour milk that you discover only after the first sip. It’s the hair in your soup, the sharp bones in your fish, Donald Trump’s hair and cod liver oil.

You’re ruining it for the rest of us.

Well done.