A Call to Singlehood: Why we have to stop asking our young women if they ‘have a boyfriend yet’

How we can start empowering the young women of the church to discern their call from God versus what society expects of them.

Family Thanksgiving, Christmas Break, Spring Break, and soon, Easter. The only times of the year when almost every college student has the opportunity to go home, finally get that home cooked meal they’ve been craving, and of course, catch up with friends and family.

With family, comes the standard questions every college student is tired of hearing:

How is school going?

How is your roommmate?

What’s your major?

What are your plans after school?

What year are you again?

Do you like your professors?

And the most dreaded questions of all: Do you have a boyfriend yet?

Excuse me while I go scream for minute.

I love that you’re interested in my life away from home, don’t get me wrong, I love catching up with family. But, these questions get old because they are surface level questions, they seek to know what I’m doing, but not understand why I’m doing it. You ask these questions because they’re easy and I get it, I find myself doing it with the girls I mentor and even with my own friends, but when we ask that simple question, “Do you have a boyfriend yet?” we are telling our young women three things:

1. You should have a boyfriend, or at the very least be looking for one.
2. It’s not okay to be single right now.
3. The world’s plan should dominate God’s plan.

Here’s the thing; I don’t have a boyfriend, nor any that are even on the horizon and this may come as a shock to you, but I’m not necessarily looking either (I can hear my mom shutter as she just read that, sorry mom).

For the first time in a long time, I’ve been so in love with Jesus that I haven’t felt the need to seek out a man. I’m constantly challenged, supported, and immersed in deep friendships, so much so, that I don’t feel a need to seek out another source of love. At this point in my life, Jesus is enough.

This isn’t to say that those who are in relationships are not in love with Jesus, but instead that those of us that aren’t, simply haven’t been gifted with the gift of a relationship yet. It’s not to say it isn’t coming, it’s not to say that we will never be in a relationship, and it certainty isn’t to say that those who are in relationships are not following God’s divine plan. Simply put, we are at a point in our life where we have been gifted with an opportunity to grow as individuals, to grow in our personal relationship with Christ, and to grow in our ministry. Relationships, marriage, and singlehood are all gifts.

At the same time though, every time I scroll through my Instagram feed there’s another friend with an engagement ring on her finger and every time I log onto Facebook there’s another invite to a bridal shower or another birth announcement popping up in my notifications. Which is about the age that I’m at, but still some of my most ‘Christian’ friends feel the pressure from the church to be married before they graduate. There’s this expectation to find a solid Christian relationship, get married, graduate, and immediately start having children while simultaneously working in the ministry. That pressure from the church is very real, believe it or not, but the church is placing pressure on their young men and women whether they mean to or not.

An individual at church the other day asked if I wanted to get married before I moved to Africa to start a non-profit. My first thought; no, but is that a problem?

We have this image that missionaries come in pairs; a husband and wife. Although true most of the time, there are some very, very, strong Christian women, who have nothing to share but love, out on the mission field. So that brought me to start thinking: Can married couples accomplish more than a single woman? What about a group of single women? Was it God’s divine plan to only have married couples serving him on the mission field?

We know that man and woman were made for each other, to be co-productive, but is there a point where we are being just as productive for the Kingdom individually, as we would be with a partner? I can’t give you an answer to this question because I simply don’t know. I’ve studied it, talked with friends and missionaries on both sides, and without getting into the theology of it all, the only conclusion I have been able to come to is that if the Lord wants me to serve him with a man by my side, than that man will be provided at some point, but that doesn’t mean that I sit around and wait for that to happen, but instead that I continue to work for Him as a single woman and do my best to grow in a relationship with him.

The thing is, whether I end up going to South Africa with a husband by my side or not, the calling stays the same; to bring love and the Gospel to the children I work with- to be a spiritual mother and counselor.

I’m not married with children yet, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t an innate need to be a mother….even in a state singlehood I am called to motherhood.

Isaiah 56 says, “To the Eunichs, those who cannot procreate but turn their lives into a unique service instead of marriage, who keep my Sabbaths, who choose the things that please me and hold fast my covenant, I will give in my house and within my walls a monumentand a name better than sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off.”

There are those that choose singlehood and celibacy for life, but there are also those of us that have chosen this in a certain season of life. In both situations, there is a certain level of respect that we owe to these women.

They have chosen to be a mother to a motherless world, have chosen to show love where love is not often seen, they have recognized that their skills as a mother can be used to glorify the Kingdom of God, and they take that very seriously. In a relationship or not, these women recognize their call to motherhood and we must start assisting our young women in also discerning their call to ministry. Not all of our young women are called to be married by 22, not all are called to remain single, and not even all of them are called to motherhood.

Just because we happened to grow up in America, doesn’t mean that God’s plan for us is the same as the ‘American dream.’ When scrolling through Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, I know that that becomes really hard to remember. When our friends are planning their weddings and buying baby clothes, that becomes really hard to remember. When your a bridesmaid in six weddings, I know that becomes really hard to remember. But, as young women, we must keep reminding ourselves of this. Even further, it’s the responsibility of the church to remind our young women to follow the call, not the dream.

You see, we’re called to be different; to set ourselves apart from what society expects of us when it contradicts what God expects of us (Daniel 3:18). The problem is that we aren’t even allowing our young women to discern what God expects from them, because are constantly telling them what society expects of them.

Mandy Dobblemann paints such a vivid picture of this struggle when she asks; “I’ve given you the ocean…and you’re asking for a thimble?” Marriage and a relationship with a man is the thimble….and though it is a beautiful, hand-crafted blessing of a thimble, if God hasn’t given it to us yet then let’s make the most of the time we have and focus on the ocean of the broken that is right in front of us.

We have this huge, unfathomably vast ocean to swim in and yet we continue to focus on one fish, we continue to swim along the stream with the rest of the fish, we continue to think that we must just stay in our little reef, when in reality it’s actually okay to swim into deeper waters because in these deeper waters we find deeper meaning.

So what would happen if we stopped asking our young women about their nonexistent boyfriends and instead started asking them about their motivation, callings, and prayers? Not all of us are called to marriage at the start of our twenties and not all of us are called to singlehood, but for those of us that are; there is an ocean of children and people out there that are just waiting for someone to have the time, energy, and focus to minister to them.

And the young women of the church can be that someone if we start empowering them to discern the call instead of the dream.