I Pray Every Day But Can Relate to Atheism
An argument you may not have heard before
Here’s the argument:
If we think hard and arrive at the conclusion that God doesn’t exist, is it our fault or the fault of the brain God cursed us with which makes us think he/she doesn’t exist?
We can only believe what our brains tell us to. If it tells us to do good, we do that. If it asks us to sin, do we have another option? If it tells us God doesn’t exist, it’s hard to believe in him/her.
And we didn’t choose our brains.
I pray though, here’s why:
My personal story
I had been an atheist for most of my life. When I ran into troubles I couldn’t handle, I turned to the Gods I didn’t believe in. I needed help, life was just too tough for me. Even if it was from someone or something that didn’t exist.
I had learned about the power of the subconscious. I knew about the “Fake it till you make it” theory. If people could get confident and successful just by telling themselves they are, I thought, if I tell myself God exists and will answer my prayers, that will manifest itself as the truth.
Turned out, that I was (at least mostly) right. I prayed every day for years without the complete faith that my prayers will be answered. I knew I could be wrong in thinking God(s) exist.
I used to be terrified to talk to people, especially strangers. The only people I was comfortable talking to were my parents. I used to work nights. There were times the only people I met for weeks, were my parents. I was scared to get outside my gate.
I made for myself a comfort zone inside my room. I worked from home, making things easier. I hid behind my computer screen while chatting with my employer, Danny Forest on Slack.
Like most people (I think), I had done things in my past that I am not proud of. Guilt gnawed at me. Without close friends in my neighborhood, I felt weak and powerless.
Loneliness can change you. Honesty is tough when you believe you are worthless, and people won’t accept you as you are. How can we expect respect or love from others when we have no self-respect or self-love? We often try to project ourselves on others, don’t we? What if they are hiding the truth just like me? I grew suspicious.
We all get depressed when we are lonely, don’t we? But stay lonely for long, and things change. I started growing comfortable with it. Then I started to like it. It didn’t matter I opened up to no one. I started conversing with myself. Imagining future incidents in detail where I am happy. In my imagination, I changed past events that put me down, to situations where I did better. I talked to imaginary friends I could share all my thoughts without inhibition, fear, or shame.
I was comfortable when I was alone and had nothing to do. I dreamed when I was awake. I tried to avoid situations where I have to interact with real people.
What changed
I prayed to the Gods every day without fail. It took years but things began to change. I started talking to a few of my neighbors. It wasn’t as hard as I thought.
In some interactions, I let myself down. When you spend most of your time alone, those failures pester you more than you’d like. But when people started to treat me like a human being and with respect, my confidence grew.
At the lowest point in my life, a friend of my sister’s, Anupama, reached out to me. We were strangers at the time.
I had never confessed to anyone, but I liked the idea of people confessing to their priests. I knew confessions would lighten the load people held in their hearts. My employer and friend, Danny, was always there to listen, but I felt if I told him about my past, he’d lose his respect for me.
When Anupama reached out to me, I didn’t need to think twice. She was a total stranger, I would probably never meet her face to face as she was in a different country (I don’t have a passport). I desperately needed to confess, and I thought even if she judged me, that’d only mean I’d be back to my lonesome which I didn’t fear.
I was manic as I told her everything. I opened up in a way I had never done before. But to my surprise, she didn’t judge but offered consolation and solutions.
We’re besties now.
I am the happiest now in years or probably a decade.
I cannot be sure if it were the Gods who decided to help me. I was desperately needing help but probably would never have asked for it. It seems like an incredible coincidence that a stranger decided to help me and spend a lot of time doing that when in years I had experienced no such thing. My parents, my sister, and Danny always wanted to help, but I had never opened up to them as much as I did with Anupama.
I used to be very scared of social media, to show myself to the world. But with encouragement from Danny, Anupama, and my sister, I published my first article on Medium.
I have never felt more confident or happy in years than now. I feel more comfortable talking to people including strangers (I mean people who come to visit). I haven’t started going out to meet people yet, but I am pretty sure that will change soon too.
I still have my doubts about the existence of God. But my faith is stronger now than ever before.
I have a long way to go before becoming my best self, but I am on my way.
I didn’t share my story to convince you to believe. I can’t tell you God(s) exist when I don’t have the proof. I wouldn’t treat you any different from a believer if you are an atheist, agnostic, follower of a different religion, or simply hate God. You lived a different life and have reasons to believe what you believe.
Like I said at the beginning, we can only believe what our brains tell us to believe.
But I will continue praying until someone or something changes my mind.
I love nothing more than conversing on the topic. Please feel free to share your thoughts.
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