Wishing You a Distressful and Exasperating Holiday
In the darkness and horrors of the holocaust, the Piaseczna Rebbe managed to capture the beauty of Talmud Torah in the most magnificent and poetic way.
דבר ה’ אליך, נער ישראל, עשה אזנך כאפרכסת לשמוע את תשובת אביך שבשמים לך, אשר שם בפי נביאיו וחכמיו בתורתו הקדושה, ואנחנו רק נלקט אחד לאחד את דבריו הקדושים כלהבות אש אליך, למען תתחזק להעשות ארז מארזי הלבנון אשר נטע ה
I’ve been searching for a thought or idea related to Shavuot that I can share with my family and friends but I encountered a big stumbling block. That is, I finally understood what Torah is.
Torah is a massive collection of Godliness, intellect, inspiration, and unparalleled depth.
I started off with a question to which I wanted to find an answer. I analyzed the text and read up on the commentaries, but then I became extremely disappointed. What once was a simple question suddenly became a sea of confusion. New concepts and ideas began to surface and lead to an overwhelming sense of dissatisfaction.
Torah is deep. It is complex. If I had the ability to write a dvar Torah in a short time, my idea wouldn’t be deep or sophisticated. I have questions and often I have ideas of how to answer them. BUT WHO AM I?! I have no authority to come up with my own interpretations. I need to refer back to the Holy Texts as well as the commentaries written by the Torah giants of previous generations. Only after I read up on the topic and study it in depth will I slowly arrive at my own conclusion.
I do, however, have the authority to share my personal experience with Talmud Torah. After hearing a great shiur, struggling over a complicated sugiya, or comparing commentaries on chumash — I am left spellbound. I suddenly appreciate the mishna in Avot that says,
יפה שעה אחת בתשובה ומעשים טובים בעולם הזה, מכל חיי העולם הבא
I am scared to die! I do not want to leave a world in which I have the privilege and capacity to study Hashem’s Torah in depth. What is Olam Habba without the ability to apply what I learn to my life, to share my thoughts with others, and to use my knowledge and sense of community to try and have an impact on Klal Yisrael?!
When I leave the beit midrash a thousand times more confused than when I entered it, I am exhilarated. If I could understand Torah and grasp its complexity in one sitting, that would indicate that Torah is simplistic and equivalent to other literary texts. The fact that I will NEVER EVER feel satisfied, that I will always yearn to know more and understand yet a new concept, is an expression of my personal acquisition of Torah. Rediscovering its depth every time I sit down to learn is what Talmud Torah is all about.
When things fit together, when I connect to what I am studying and appreciate the various nuanced meanings of the word of God, I am left in awe.
My heart begins to race and I have a strong physical, intellectual, and spiritual desire to know more.
My experience of learning is similar to the sensation one would have suffering from a blistering thirst; the more I drink the thirstier I get and I never feel satisfied. I want more. More. More. The more I know the more I want. The more I connect the more I want to cleave to God. I want to know. I want to understand. I want to feel.
Then I take a step back and realize that I am mortal. I live in a physical world. A world created with the purpose of grounding me. Gravity pulls objects down to the earth. There is a force in the world that pulls me down from my spiritual highs. I eat and sleep and tend to my body. I see this as a gift. I see it as God’s ability in creating a perfect balance. I am not meant to be with God during my temporary stay on this earth. תורה לא בשמים היא. The study of Torah is a sneak peak to the pleasures of Olam Habba. I cannot achieve that closeness here and I cannot grasp the true depth of Torah.
My job here is to yearn. I must develop that love, that desire, and feel the pull upwards. On this earth I am responsible to live as a human while simultaneously living a life of Torah. I am required to elevate myself and inspire those around me.
True appreciation of Torah will only come in a place where I am not being pulled away from spirituality to tend to my physical needs.
My goal here is to become ravenous for the experience of cleaving to God and uncovering the secrets hidden in His Torah. Just to desire it. The way to become hungry is by learning Torah. I become exposed to tiny fractions of Godliness and depth during the process of Talmud Torah.
My mouth dries up as I drink from the wellspring of Torah; my thirst is not quenched. This dissatisfaction is all I can get in this world. The pain of desiring something I cannot have is the most heart-wrenching, frustrating, and magnificent experiences I have ever been fortunate to have.
May we all merit this Shavuot to feel frustrated, incapable, confused, and invigorated by a true inner desire for loftiness.
