Things I think about…
when I say I’m thinking about you.
I’ll start with the obvious: I wonder what you are doing this very moment. I wonder what your eyes are seeing, what your ears are listening, what you are thinking about. I wonder who you’re with, and where exactly you are. I miss you. I wish I was with you.
Sometimes, I end up texting you. Other times, you somehow miraculously text me first.
If you don’t answer, or answer in short sentences, I worry about you more. Not that I need to rely on your texts to “read” you. I told you, I can feel you… although I’m not always sure how accurate these feelings are. Well, they usually are.
Yes, I can feel your mood going up and down, and at most critical times, I feel a piercing pain in my heart. When this happens, I try and contact you… yet usually you’re in no mood to talk with me, so I text you the gestures I would be doing if I’m with you. Stroking your head, kissing your cheek, holding your hand. Almost instinctively I would bring my hand to my chest, gently stroking the spot that hurts (on the left, right where my heart is). I imagine you leaning your head right there, and I wonder if you feel those strokes.
I think about being with you. About running away to find you, and to go somewhere only we know. Some days I’m sick of this world and its people and the only thing that makes sense is being with you because whenever I’m with you I feel happy, and peace fills my heart.
I hate whoever tells me I’m just infatuated by you and that I should think and rethink my relationship with you because infatuation is when all you want to do is engage in carnal activities and then after that it’s gone and when I’m with you most of the time I don’t even think about these bodily wants, I just want to be with you.
I think about the things I want to do with you, and how I can’t imagine not being able to do these things with you. And I can’t think of making any plans that would require me to be away from you because really all I want to do is be with you. All the time.
Sometimes, I listen to songs I’ve long since marked as “songs that remind me of you”; Other times, I conjure memories of the times I spent with you, of things you said or did. Oh, I also listen to recordings of your voice… ah, what would I do if I didn’t have those?
I think about ways to tell you how much I miss you, and then wonder if maybe I shouldn’t keep telling you this, cause after all you already know and it hurts whenever you tell me you miss me because we can’t find each other right now and so maybe I should keep you from the pain but then again telling you I miss you helps me cope with missing you and if I never tell you how would you know that I do?
Then, I think about already knowing how much you miss me and you love me, because I trust that you do… and I think about how much I trust that this relationship we have will keep going strong even when we’re not being all cheesy and lovey-dovey, even when it seems like we’re not okay and I feel like crying because I don’t like it when we’re not okay, and yet at the same time I know we’ll be okay and sometimes that gets confusing, and other times it makes perfect sense.
My dear, I could go on and on and on and on… but sometimes I have to snap myself out of the thoughts of you because unfortunately there are other things I need to do too. Yet, even as I do everything else I need to do, the thought of you lingers, and there’s that trust again. I trust you. I trust us. We’re always together even when we’re physically apart.
Would anybody dare tell me this isn’t true love?
