On Failing Publicly

A love letter to my friends and support network.

I would like to write about failing publicly. I don’t mean the brave failures wallpapered in the lobbies of tech startups. The public failure I am describing is more subtle. It is personal failing, publicly.

Have you ever set a lofty life goal for yourself and not achieved what you sought out to do? Then, as if the challenge to meet that goal wasn’t hard enough, you announce it to your family, closest friends, acquaintances, and your acquaintances’ coworkers.

My most recent case of failing publicly got me thinking about the obvious solution. There’s no need to make a show out of every life decision I make. Being vulnerable, chasing validation, assembling a support system: this is all rooted in my fear of failing to achieve my goal. In opening myself up to this cadre of love, I’m creating a defense system. Once I decide to commit to a goal, I build up a support network to protect me from the worst case scenario.

And when all the emotions of being rejected from business school or not getting a promotion or not completing a marathon subsides, what remains is my battered perseverance and my people. Thus begins a separate saga of emotions associated with letting down your cheerleaders. Those who have taken on emotional burdens and selfless compassion to support you on your personal endeavors. I don’t know how to put those feelings into words, I don’t know those adjectives (and maybe that’s why I did so poorly on standardized testing).

But I do know those feelings and I recognize how much real estate I take up in conversations on precious New York time. This is the result of constantly challenging myself and pushing the limits of what I can accomplish. There’s always a shiny, new project for me to chase. It’s cute in my 20s but there will come an age when I start to look reckless. Is my impatience borne out of ambition or stupidity? No need to answer that now.

Ultimately, it is not fair of me to cling onto this irrational fear that I will deplete the supply of goodwill my friends have bestowed on me. My friends have been in lockstep with me throughout my life and I hope that I match them in their compassion and grace. The silver lining of my public failings is re-experiencing gratitude for the people I surround myself with. If I gain nothing else out of my never-ending pursuits, I am grateful to at least truly understand that it is better to fail surrounded by love than to fail alone.