The courage to go all-in
To choose and do something about it
Now in my late 20s, I am more intimidated and scared to go all-in. With the catalog of past experiences of trusting fully, giving it our all, and making huge bets, only to come out with the less desired outcome, I have realized time after time that it’s not as easy. On top of that, I worry about how time is not on my side. I know that I am still young, yet the worry still lingers. If I keep going down this road, I’m not sure how much longer it’s going to take. Will my efforts pay off?
When we were much younger, we might have experienced placing all our eggs in one basket — our passions, our work, our relationships, and our life — only for it to be left crushed by reality. I did. We might hit a wall, not only once but a hundred times over. And having to commit and expend such dedication can get pretty intimidating at this point.
We attach our identities, sometimes our whole selves, to something, that we can feel empty and lost when that path, whether by force or by flow, closes for us. We wouldn’t want to feel the same way again. The hesitation to go deep grows. The constant back-and-forth to put in the time, effort, focus, and emotional investment unknowingly becomes the norm. What was it that I wanted to do again? Whatever it was, it’s all but left buried in the back burner.
The fear overshadows what’s really at stake — a chance at having a loving and healthy relationship, the opportunity to live out the life of our dreams, and the joy and fulfillment that comes from being able to say that we gave it our all.
We hesitate and struggle because there’s safety and security in choosing to stay the same way and to keep doing the same things despite how the recurring thoughts of “What if?” can get uncomfortable. Safety precedes comfort.
The fear of failure and the fear of getting judged may hold us back. But these failures, obstacles, and judgments are inevitable when you’re trying and when you’re putting yourself out there, aren’t they? And in the possibility that things don’t go the way we planned or hoped for, there is but a great prize that awaits us — freedom. After we have toiled, poured our hearts, and shed our sweat and tears, there is freedom in seeing it through and freedom in moving to a new direction without having to wonder what possibilities there might have been.
Whatever path we pursue in life, there will be clouds of uncertainty that occasionally pass through our sky. But they are just that — clouds. They come and go.
A journal entry from the 30th of July, 2024
「諦めなくてよかった」(Akiramenakute yokatta), which roughly translates to “I’m glad I didn’t give up.” This is a line I’ve heard so often on the news during the interviews of the Japanese Olympic medalists. No one had regrets for doing their best and giving it their all. So why do I keep hesitating from diving deep into what it is that my heart longs to achieve? Bitterness and regret only await those who didn’t give it their all, those who didn’t pour their heart into their goal. I don’t think these elite athletes went into their respective competitions not believing that they can win and get a medal. They believe in themselves and they also put in the work to train for their sport. They had the grit and discipline to show up and go through whatever challenges, disadvantages, or disappointments came their way.
I wake up to the news every morning and I just cry from happiness. I feel really inspired to see my fellow human beings devote their time, their bodies, their attention, and their heart to something. They might have lives outside of their sport but I think that to be so single-minded and focused on one thing takes a lot of bravery. One has to push past her worries and doubts, and just keep going anyway.
I think a lot of us are so afraid to go all-in something. And I get that feeling too. There’s so much uncertainty and so many factors that we can’t control or aren’t ideal to the things that we want to achieve. But we can choose to face it, even with the baggage of fears, worries, and doubts heavy on our shoulders, even with tears on our faces, and even with the discomfort of knowing that we aren’t ready enough for our calling yet…..But going all in does not need any grand gesture. It could manifest as choosing to show up for the lab, going out of bed, or just picking up that pen and start writing. If things don’t end up working out, you will be rewarded with the freedom to choose another path and start over. It’s not a loss either way. So go all in, Monique! You got this!
