Yet, I Am Learning This Thing Called Kindness
On the journey of accepting kindness from ourselves for ourselves
One night in my sophomore year, I dropped by the university chapel and sat by the empty corner of the room. For many reasons, I was struggling during my 5th trimester of chemical engineering; I always sought comfort in my trips to the chapel at the beginning and end of the day. As I bent my way to the kneeler, I felt my whole weight crash unto my knees. It felt so heavy. I felt so heavy. I bowed my head down, and in the stillness of it all, tears started rolling down my face. I refused to make the slightest sound or hint that I was in pain — who knows how my thoughts ran wild that day. I felt hopeless and helpless. I let my eyes do the talking.
After calming down and deciding to go home for the day, someone went near my row and handed me a pack of tissue. I didn’t get to see his or her face as I was looking down at my palms on my lap; I was burying my face behind all my hair. I couldn’t say a proper ‘thank you’, but I did hope that the world sent my gratitude to his or her way. I was very grateful for that unexpected encounter. I thought to myself, “Now, how can I hate the world and hate life when it’s being like this?” The world has its odd way of making it up to me.
For countless times, the world’s kindness has saved me. Sometimes, they were in the form of a friend’s message or an invitation, the delivery man’s patience as I picked up my parcel, or the guard’s warm greeting as I entered the condo’s gate. On other days, it’s in the form of a stranger lending me some change for my jeepney ride. Sometimes, it takes shape as the person holding the elevator door as I hurriedly ran while it started beeping.
As much as I thought that the world was cruel and unforgiving, it was also kind and supportive. Certainly, there are days that I question how messed up things are. I too have had my share of unpleasant experiences — things we wouldn’t wish upon anyone and things we would think were impossible and would laugh at when we hear the story. That’s just silly. How was that even possible? And whether we realize it or not, everyone has them too.
As I try to recall these experiences, I don’t think I was able to survive or manage my way through them with brute force nor my sole effort. I don’t have superhuman strength nor do I have an unlimited capacity to emotionally accommodate so much hurting and disappointment. It seems ironic, but it was in the random and little acts of kindness that I was able to see the light of day in that seemingly dark and endless tunnel.
Despite being beaten and traumatized, there are still people who time and time again choose to disprove the animosity of the world and scream through their actions, “Life is good. And life can still be beautiful.” Even with the invisible and unspoken suffering around us and within us, we still choose to give. We still choose to forgive. We still choose to be kind.
But the thing is, sometimes being kind to others doesn’t seem enough to save us from our pain. It is said to bring us happiness, and good and positive feelings. Being kind restores hope. Being kind saves people. Being kind can make you happy. But, why is it not enough? How did I get this whole kindness thing wrong?
Kindness is directional.
There are instances where we choose to forgive people and wish them well despite being wronged by them. We decided to do this hoping to let go of the uneasy and heavy feeling, however, contrary to what we expected, we sometimes feel heavier and even think it’s unfair. As much as we tell ourselves that we are not harboring such negative feelings and thoughts for our own sake, we can’t help but see how messed up our thoughts and emotions still are, and compare ourselves to how these people who hurt us are doing better and are much happier.
I already did this but why am I still hurting. I already did that but why is it that it just got even more painful.
We shouldn’t expect that just because we are kind to others, the pain we are dealing with will go away, or that we will be saved from any hurting or any negative experience. Being kind won’t excuse us from the perils of life. Being kind doesn’t give us immunity from getting hurt. Being kind to others won’t take away our pain. It might divert our attention momentarily but deep within, we know that much of our thoughts and our emotions are and will still be unresolved. Our actions may just be projections of how we want to be treated. We want to receive that kindness too.
Just like how our kindness can light up another person’s day, we can direct this kindness towards ourselves. If our kindness can heal other people, it can heal us too. If our kindness can give other people hope, it can teach us to hope too. If our kindness can change other people’s lives, it can change our lives too.
Being kind to ourselves might mean listening to the narratives inside our heads — pleasant and unpleasant — while not trying to push these stories away and still setting those boundaries for ourselves. Being kind to ourselves might mean talking to ourselves in a considerate way, in the same manner how we would talk to our friends who are struggling. Being kind to ourselves might mean closing doors, and saying ‘no’ to things, events, and people that undermine the confidence and respect that we have for ourselves.
Remember, the significant impact of kindness is on the person it is being directed to. If we want to heal from our pain, we must be gentle towards ourselves. If we want to move forward and if we want to save ourselves, we must be kind towards ourselves. There is no one better qualified and more effective in our journey to healing and finding our self-worth than ourselves.
Being kind requires courage and strength.
It is a misconception that if we are kind, we are weak or naive. It is in the same way that it’s wrong to attribute cruelty and being rude to power and strength. By choosing others and prioritizing their needs, we run the risk of having less for ourselves. Based on our survival instincts, we have this tendency to always have reserves for ourselves in case things go awry in the future. But, by choosing the present moment and giving or sharing a part of whatever resources that we have — time, money, energy, mental and emotional space — we become more vulnerable and less ready for the uncertainties that may be on our way. This act in itself requires courage and selflessness. This sense of faith is a form of mental strength.
Little acts of kindness may seem trivial and undemanding of any resource, but what we don’t know is the effort, sacrifice, and context that the person has to be able to afford to do such kind acts. Little time is still time. And any resource in whatever amount or magnitude is still a resource. Someone offering us their seat might have had a long day standing the whole time at work. Giving money or food to a homeless person may be what little amount the giver has left for himself. Accommodating a friend in need may seem like an unspoken obligation, but on some days we’ve also had enough of our situation yet we do try to make room for these people in our lives.
Similarly, kindness also applies when we give feedback to others. When we think about it, not everyone will care enough to tell us what they think and how we can improve. If receiving it can make us feel anxious and uncomfortable, giving it is just as challenging. For the one giving the feedback, it requires strength to tell the truth if things were not as expected. After giving such feedback, the ones receiving it are not obligated to feel thankful for our honesty, and they might not even receive it well. But we do it anyway. We run the risk of them getting upset towards us despite our good intentions.
Just how being kind to others requires courage and strength, being kind towards ourselves is the same. It may seem like a no-brainer for some people, but when we are used to choosing others it takes so much courage to choose ourselves. For some of us, being kind to ourselves is a real challenge. It is so easy to fall back into the same old habits of self-deprecating dialogues and just about any form of distraction that will redirect our attention from tending to ourselves. It is easier to pay attention and focus on external responsibilities, than on the responsibilities that we have to ourselves.
Now, how does being kind to myself exactly require courage and strength?
It takes courage and strength to break free from the worry of people calling us selfish and insensitive for choosing ourselves. A lot of times, we hesitate from choosing ourselves because we are tied to this mindset that once we are indebted to people, we have to instantly be there at their every call. We hesitate because they know us as the person who’s always going to be there, who’s always happy, who’s strong, and is always okay. But no, sometimes, we just aren’t 100% okay, and we know to ourselves that we can’t be fully there for them.
Other than this, it takes courage to trust that whatever decision we make for ourselves will be respected and supported by the people around us. It takes strength to stand by our decision and be independent of people’s opinions. The perpetual struggle to be accepted and validated will always be there, whether we like it or not. Oftentimes, we need support from the people around us to make that step for ourselves. If we find ourselves being contradicted for our choices, we hurt and we start doubting once again. Trusting ourselves is not a feat that has come naturally for most of us.
While all these things can be difficult and overwhelming, I was told that I can still be brave and that I am brave.
We are to remind ourselves that facing and choosing ourselves is a viable option. Know that trust and confidence can be built with practice. Know that denying kindness for ourselves can be unlearned and that we are more than capable of restoring this ability if we intend it to.
Kind people are people, they too have their limits.
Their voices may not always be heard nor are they easily stimulated by disadvantage. But, they can feel frustrated too. They can get angry and annoyed too. Being kind does not necessarily mean that they don’t get hurt and they just easily forgive people. It’s not that they don’t see the wrong that has been done, they just have a different way of looking at things.
They can feel just about any other emotion, however, how they process and react to certain events may be distinct. There’s this extra consideration or capacity to accommodate other people’s realities, which affects their choices in thoughts, words, and actions. But again, they still feel all those negative emotions just like any other person would.
To a certain extent, kindness might fill us up until it doesn’t. Being kind adds value to our life by adding value to other people’s lives. But anything in excess may not do us any good, and this applies to kindness too. There are certain dangers when we overdo it. To blindly keep giving off of ourselves, not being mindful of what’s left of us for us, can be detrimental.
Oftentimes, I have justified certain actions as a deed that was for the good of everyone despite coming at the price of my well-being. It’s just the right thing to do because I made this commitment. It’s reasonable because I owe it to them and they don’t deserve less of me. It’s going to be alright because some people will still support me and appreciate this sacrifice.
I thought that letting other people down was going to be the most painful thing ever, but I was wrong, letting myself down over and over and over again is. I ended up questioning who I was and what my worth is.
We, human beings, are wired to get used to things. When people are randomly being kind to us, it sticks because we didn’t expect it and we were not used to it. However, the more that we do it — directing it to the same receiver over and over again — they can get used to it and by then, it’s not going to be special anymore. They will then start expecting it from us. And when they get used to it, we may end up feeling unappreciated and taken advantage of.
What was the basis of my relationship with these people? Why do I feel taken for granted? Do my actions and efforts not have any value for them?
It is important to set our boundaries and know to what extent we should be giving off of ourselves. Self-sacrifice for the sake of validation and to the point of harm and self-destruction is not something to be praised and romanticized. Tolerating our passive and submissive tendencies is not an act of kindness towards ourselves. We must learn to respect who we are — our time, our priorities, our plans, and our emotions — if we want other people to respect us too. Just like how we hold high regard for important people — for their presence and their time — we should do the same for ourselves. We should be an important person to us too.
I am yet uncertain whether the good feelings that we get from being kind plateaus at a certain point or it has an inverted-U relationship. Whichever the relationship may be, it is our responsibility to be mindful and to find that moderation — that balance between the part that we are giving away and the part that we are leaving for ourselves.
I stand by our obligation to not cause or inflict harm to our fellow human beings, to not be an enabler and an addition to the problem, and to respect each other. I believe that life can be beautiful, and it comes to existence through kindness. Through acts of kindness, I thought I was being responsible and I was going to feel good about myself. But, I soon realized that I was forgetting that same obligation towards myself. I would give until my own abundance could not keep me afloat anymore. I was not respecting who I was and my journey.
And in my journey, I’ve come to realize that kindness is not exclusive, and kindness should have been simultaneous. I should not have isolated myself in that “FOR LATER” box and the “NOT DESERVING” box. Everyone deserves kindness, and that includes me too. While I was looking after other people, I could have looked after myself too.
So the moment we notice ourselves suffering, may we find the courage and strength to not look away and be kind to ourselves.
