The Dichotomy of Parenting

“Your children are not your children.They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.They come through you but not from you,And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”

– Khaleel Jibran, On Children, from The Prophet

Some of the happiest moments in my life came from parenting. Being a dad taught me patience, rewired my brain, clarified some of my views on gender-equality, re-defined who I am, and gave me enthusiasm and energy to move forward in life with purpose and joy. From the time I picked up my first child at the hospital my life began to change – slowly but steadily nevertheless.

I think the joys of parenting stems from the sense of ownership. You get to believe yourself that you have something that you, only you, would take care of in the same nitty-gritty details and care as you would do. You get accustomed to feeling the pain and pleasure with those of your children. When our proud children bring home praises, we feel the elation with them. When they become lost and lonely, we feel the pain with them. Slowly, we start considering that we own our children. They become our extensions.

One of the agonies of parenting is that you will have to let go of this ownership at some point in your life. The ties that you built up over decades – material and emotional alike – have to be untied one knot after the other.

It is an inescapable fact that life is all about clenching hard and then letting go. The more we clench, the more it aches. Then it also turns out that the only but surely not at all easy way to reduce the pain is to let go. Every time we clench onto our children, have an antidote of letting go. Make sure we release smaller tremors every now and then. Compounding them into a major quake can devastate us once and for all. Especially late in our lives, when we yearn for well-earned peaceful moments.

The art of parenting is just that – enjoying the moments while they last. Hold onto those moments just enough to be an effective parent – just enough to make them moments to cherish and then, let go. This will prepare us for the inevitable parting as they grow up and navigate their world.

Letting go: easier said than done. Hardest of all is to live by it.

— Cross posted from my blog