For Guys Who Use Dating Apps, Make Sure You Read This

You’re better than a cup of coffee.

So don’t ask her to have coffee with you.

I’m talking about the first date — especially if you were connected through Hinge, Tinder or any other dating app.

How do I know this? Because my friend, who is an expert in the online dating game, said so. I learned this in the car the other day. I listened for your benefit. Now, please listen to me.

She provided 10 observations for future reference:

1.

When do you typically drink coffee? In the morning and the afternoon, right? Neither are the magic hour for first dates. And who wants to have a coffee date in the evening unless they’re pulling an all-nighter?

2.

By the way, a coffee date has a low percentage of leading to an all-nighter with a first date.

3.

A coffee date is like a resume exchange. To her, you’re basically saying, “Why don’t we just connect on LinkedIn, because that’s all we’re going to do.”

4.

Look, everyone knows that for most first dates both parties need a predetermined “out.” Why not suggest an after-work cocktail? Or French fries? Anything is better than coffee.

5.

While we’re at it, even if you don’t suggest coffee, that doesn’t mean the hard work isn’t done. Take this guy, who made it to second base — I mean, the second date — for example. He insisted on planning the menu and grocery shopping, because he wanted to impress with his chef skills. She wasn’t allowed to do anything in the kitchen. And it was her apartment. To her, it felt like he had recently watched a movie where a woman just drank wine that was especially selected for her while the man cooked. He made steak. Oh, how cinematically romantic.

6.

Don’t put on moves you saw in a movie. That’s comes off as scripted, kind of like suggesting a coffee date.

7.

Before suggesting mood music, make sure you’re reading the mood correctly. The second baseman, who happened to be a moonlighting musician, was hyped about jazz. She told him she didn’t like jazz, but he insisted that he could change her mind if only she listened to an album he had recently discovered: “Kind of Blue” by Miles Davis. Really, dude? You just listened to “Kind of Blue” and you’re trying to kick jazz knowledge? As if it couldn’t get worse, he started playing bass. Wait, he brought his instrument to the date? Much worse: he played the air bass. And you wonder why she thinks musicians are the cheesiest.

8.

He asked her what her love language was. That’s really hot, so blow on it before you take a sip to let it sink in.

9.

“The only thing I was allowed to do was the dishes,” she told me. A home run?

10.

Bruh, it was more like time to run home. He was lounging on the bed as she cleaned, perusing the books on her nightstand. She told him not to get comfortable. She had some writing to do. “Oh, you want me to go?,” he asked. Yeah, wake up and smell the coffee.

[This story originally appeared on Ripple.News]