Hop Aboard The Bengals’ Bandwagon!
Growing up in Iowa, you pick your team in one of three ways: familial ties, regional ties or bandwagon jumping. For the most part, Iowans fall under the first two (and they generally intermingle), but there is a solid portion of the population that cares only for winning. While most of the state is Vikings, Packers, Bears or Chiefs fans, you get a nice sprinkling of 49ers, Cowboys, Steelers and Broncos. For the most part, they picked as children and stuck with it (which is why I see so many kids in Patriots, Colts and Seahawks gear now) which is acceptable to me, as long as there is no vacillation, but I am sure it is super annoying to those who cheer on teams for civic pride.
Okay, jumping on a bandwagon, even as a kids, is probably pretty bad. I am in that latter group sadly and I get what I deserve. I chose Bengals because they were winners in the late 80's and I was a dumb kid and they had a fat running back who did a neat dance. I had no real familial ties (none of my family really cares for football much) so I picked Bengals because they were good. Then they went and ruined the greatest athlete of my generation (Bo Jackson), wasted the entirety of the 1990’s and early 2000's, started to pull it together with the Carson Palmer, Rudi Johnson, Ochocinco, Houshmandzadeh years, only to blow that core by surrounding it with criminals and malcontents and now into the four straight playoff devastations of the 2010’s. I deserve it.
For almost 30 years, I have watched games through closed fingers, lied to high school friends about where my football loyalties lie, tried my best to defend Odell Thurman without sounding too much like a commenter on a Yahoo article, put up with the Ki-Jana Carters and David Klinglers and Akili Smiths and Peter Warricks of the world until now where I put up with a perennial playoff team that will inevitably force me into a deep depression for a day or two while my children hide in the other room from the cursing man in the Boomer Esiason jersey.
And honestly, I’ll take it. I will take caring about football into January. I will take the twice a year they play the Steelers or Ravens and not immediately writing it off as a loss. I will take having a team good enough that they get national exposure even if they blow it. I will take having a likeable group of guys who play hard and play well. I will take Adam Jones since I basically lived through a team that was somehow 37 “Pac Mans”.
What does 2015 hold? It is tough to say, but likely more of the same. The applecart has not been turned over and really, there doesn't appear to be a sense of urgency for that to happen. I am a-okay with that.
Quarterback
Andy Dalton. Yeah, still. It will be for a long time, I’d imagine.
Here’s the thing about Andy Dalton. Andy Dalton doesn’t suck. Not even a little bit. Okay, a little bit, but he is often very, very good. He’s just this weird enigma who hates when people look at him. He’s like a Big Boo in Mario 64. When you look at him, he just closes his eyes and does nothing and he’s super easy to beat. But when you’re not paying attention to him he just wrecks shop with sharp teeth and pure evil. A random afternoon game against the Texans? He’s a Hall of Famer. Monday Night Football? He’s sub-Ryan Leaf.
AJ McCarron is also here. He has an attractive wife and a bad chest tattoo. That’s pretty much all we need to discuss about AJ McCarron.
Running Backs
Jeremy Hill runs like he is mad at the turf. He is just a ball of fury and anger who hits holes almost literally. Like, he punches the hole directly in the face with his fist. He’s pretty much what would happen if a running back got to be in an American Gladiators’ Atlasphere while on the field. He is scary but also really fun.
Gio Bernard isn’t a great every down back, but man does he do some great things when he gets the ball. 8 out of every 10 times he gets the ball, he’ll likely go for two yards, at best. But those two times, man, those two times are the best. He’s like a later season of The Office where most of the jokes suck but dammit when they hit on one, it hits hard.
Rex Burkhead is also sneaky valuable all over the field and that pains me because Nebraska sucks.
Also Cedric Peerman! *thumbs up emoji*
Pass Catchers
AJ Green is very good at football. AJ Green catches things that have no business being caught. He catches passes where everyone from the opposing defensive coordinator to the guy who had nosebleed seats, but instead drank too much Busch Light and passed out in the parking lot ,knows that ball is coming to him and he somehow makes the catch (that is if Good Andy throws it. If Bad Andy throws it, then it flies about ten yards over AJ’s head and he gets hit in the back and tears something). They make AJ Green work so hard. I would hug AJ Green if I ever met him in person. No words, just a solid eight or nine second embrace with maybe two to three medium gentle pats on the back. And I’d tell thanks and also how sorry I am. Just so, so sorry.
Marvin Jones spent all of last season hurt, which was bad because he is good at football. Mohammed Sanu got a lot of attention last year due to the injuries to Green and Jones, and he surprised a lot of people. He surprised non-Bengals fans because he played pretty well. He surprised Bengal fans because he was actually not as good as we thought he would be. He mainly made me miss Andrew Hawkins lots and lots because Hawkins can catch footballs and Sanu often cannot. This is odd because that’s pretty much his only job.
Tyler Eifert is also back from a season-ender in 2014 which meant they got to kick Jermaine Gresham to the curb. I love Eifert because he has a ton of natural ability and could take that step into the upper levels of tight ends, but I mainly love him because he is not Gresham.
There are others who catch stuff on occasion, but no one wants to read about Brandon Tate.
Defensive Line
Geno Atkins is still a terror. He didn’t play up to his normal level in 2014, but I forgive him. Wallace Gilberry has been sneaky good for a while now and he’ll push Carlos Dunlap a bit for playing time. Domata Peko looks awesome with the hair and the anger and such and they rescued Michael Johnson from his brief sojourn to Tampa. They’ll be a formidable unit once again and could be a top unit if Johnson performs up to his previous levels and Atkins returns to form. They miss Mike Zimmer, though. Paul Guenther, the current Defensive Coordinator has done a great job, but Zimmer was the guiding hand of this unit.
Linebackers
AJ Hawk was the big free agent addition this year and the Bengals fans are very excited because Bengals and Buckeyes fans have a huge overlap. Since I am not a Buckeyes fan, I am only slightly excited because I have watched him play football since the 2006 Fiesta Bowl (he is still married to Brady Quinn’s sister, who, I assume, still has that half Notre Dame/half Ohio State jersey). He is a solid veteran, though, and will help out Vincent Rey and Emmanuel Lemur who both have shown a ton of promise and will help fill the gap from the loss of Vontaze Burfict due to injury. Burfict is due back, but it’s tough to say when or how he’ll play once he is cleared.
Rey Maualuga was maybe my least favorite player for a very long time. If a play was missed by a linebacker, you knew it was him. He was cruising on his college reputation for far too long while doing stupid, stupid things. However, he played really well in 2014 where I only cursed at him maybe once or twice a game while stuffing my face with bar-be-que.
Secondary
The secondary is great, but basically made out of breadsticks. And not like the Olive Garden breadsticks that are soft and warm and delicious. More like those breadsticks that are basically croutons that you get at the Golden Corral salad bar. You eat them, and they’re filling, but at any moment you know that they’re going to get a Lisfranc injury. My metaphor has fallen apart, much like a ligament in Leon Hall’s elbow. Probably.
Dre Kirkpatrick was looking like a bust for most of his career, however he performed admirably in the fill-in for Hall’s injury and will do it again when Hall is inevitably injured again. He has also looked solid in pre-season. I don’t know how to feel about any of this. It still seems wrong that Dre Kirkpatrick isn’t a bust. So, it’s like I look at Darqueze Dennard and I have hope, which feels weird to me. Adam Jones is still there, too, and he still plays hard and is not Pac Man, please.
Reggie Nelson joins George Iloka in the starting lineup at safety and you hear their names a ton for a couple of guys who really don’t get talked up much.
I could talk more about special teams and coaching and such, but realizing I have hope is pretty much the highlight of being a Bengals fan. Knowing you have a team that will allow you to care about football.
2015 Prediciton: AFC North Champs. 10–6. First round loss to, let’s say, the Raiders.
