The Tuesday: Week Three

With Greg Hardy’s impending return meaning I’m a couple of weeks away from a twenty paragraph anger-filled discussion of how the NFL needs to stop supporting rapists & domestic abusers, The Tuesday is taking a break from its normal structure of starting with serious topics. This week we’ll just talk football — NASCAR Corner, too, is on hold because I’m brewing up a longer thing to address the Chase.

Tiering The 3–0 Teams

Tier One: New England Patriots, Green Bay Packers, Arizona Cardinals

It’s early & the amount of defensive TDs they’ve had is a totally unsustainable number, but I’m moving the Cardinals up here. On paper, they shouldn’t be as good as these other two, but Carson Palmer hasn’t lost a game since 2013. I used to get in fights with someone in Ohio about how I thought Palmer was washed-up. I guess I was wrong.

New England’s success makes more sense — Tom Brady & Gronk & Edelman & whatever they put together at RB. New England takes three running backs who, together, probably form a bowl of chips & salsa from Taco Bell (yeah, that isn’t an option — SHUT UP, the metaphor doesn’t need to be perfect) & transforms them into a really nice Charcuterie Board. Dion Lewis? Blount? EVEN JAMES WHITE WAS KINDA PRODUCTIVE YESTERDAY, catching four balls.

GB lost Jordy. James Jones stepped in. Packers keep winning.

Tier Two: Cincinnati Bengals

Cincinnati is a solid team. Their biggest hole is, what, Andy Dalton? & that’s not the worst a team can do at quarterback.

Tier Three: Denver Broncos, Carolina Panthers, Atlanta Falcons

With all three of last week’s third tier teams losing, I’m breaking that old middle apart. Denver feels like a fraud — no run game, Manning on the verge of just being over. Defense wins shit, sure, but is it enough? Meanwhile, I’m not ready to call an NFC South team one of the league’s best, though both look pretty good.

The Bad, Bad AFC South

Alphabetically, here are my thoughts on the AFC South, home of four 1–2 teams.

Houston

Non-QB talent-wise, Houston’s probably the best in the division, although that talent is mostly on the defensive-side & in the receiving core. Alfred Blue was good against Tampa, but he’s no Arian Foster. Houston still needs a QB.

FIRE RANDY BULLOCK.

Indianapolis

What’s happened? A late Andrew Luck rally kept them from starting 0–3, but this team is just a disaster & I don’t know why. Is Andre Johnson a mole?

Jacksonville

Cool game against New England. Maybe Jacksonville’s win against Miami was more about Miami being bad.

Tennessee

As a Texans fan, Mariota fucking scares me. He’s looked really confident so far. I think the Titans could surprise some teams — they’re winning a game against Houston & they might beat the Colts on the road. Maybe.

Some Random Things

Longer list than normal today:

• The Bears are trading everyone today. Jared Allen to the Panthers, Bostic to New England. It’s time. RIP 2015 Chicago Bears.
• Jameis Winston looks bad, but he did manage to not get sacked by JJ Watt, which is a win for him. Here’s to hoping he’s out of the league in four years & Watt never sacks him!
• I saw a lot of Texans fans on reddit talking up fullback Jay Prosch, mostly because he’s a white guy who broke some tackles & had 8.0 ypc yesterday. I think there’s something a little squicky about all the Prosch love, but he’s looking like a solid fullback.
• Mike Evans & his seventeen targets, but only seven receptions. Let’s blame Winston for that, k?
• Maybe this deserved more space, but the Giants/Washington game really illustrates this 2015 trend of teams not having run games, & teams really, really splitting carries. New York had three backs with at least six carries, & the ypc averages go down as the # of carries went up. Washington’s projected #1 back had six runs.
• Dallas can win with Weeden, but they’ll need the defense to figure out how to hold a lead.
• lol I just said Dallas can win with BRANDON GODDAMN WEEDEN. I can’t believe I just said that.
• Who is Devonta Freeman? Atlanta went the opposite of the rest of the league & just fed one back.
• JULIO. JONES.
• 12/164 & two TDs.
• Joseph Randle, chilling on my FF opponent’s bench.
• Lance Dunbar with ten catches?
• Weeden only throwing to four different players all game. Predictability could come back to bite him.
• Frank Gore looking solid again, while Andre Johnson literally is not even. He is not even.
• I don’t know who the Titans running backs are.
• Robert Mathis, still getting sacks for the Colts after all these years.
• AMARI COOPER, who seems to get some big yards early & then nothing for a bit.
• The Josh McCown decision is wrong & the Browns need to play Manziel.
• Houston should have drafted Khalil Mack.
• Baltimore is done in their division.
• Steve Smith, proving old dudes can still play.
• That Jags/Pats score tho.
• Luke McCown looked not horrible filling in for Drew Brees, but also not that great either. It’s time to draft a QB, New Orleans.
• Do the Eagles even need Demarco Murray?
• Like, srsly. Do they? Look at Ryan Mathews line: 25/108
• ZAC STACY ALERT.
• Teddy Bridgewater has been sneaky shaky this year — he’s only thrown one TD & he’s only really got one good game. Vikings are 2–1, though.
• Steelers gonna struggle with Vick as their starter. I always loved Football Player Mike Vick, but he’s getting up there in age & sapping some of his speed is gonna hurt.
• Those two early pick-sixes that Kap threw. Bad decisions. Bad throws. Bad team.
• Is the Bills D that good?
• Is the Dolphins O that bad?
• I’ve benched two members of Too Many Dolphins, & also changed the team name. Bye, Lamar. Bye, Jordan. Maybe welcome to the Flex, Jarvis, but don’t get comfy.
• Jimmy Clausen is a joke & there are better options. Josh Freeman.
• EVERY BEARS DRIVE ENDED IN A PUNT. ALL OF THEM.
• Joique Bell is part of a new trend where all the RBs run for less yards than they had carries. 10/6.
• A CHIEFS WR CAUGHT A TD PASS. IT HAS HAPPENED. THE LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER.