Week 1 Tweetcap: Pacman Jones, Jameis Winston, The Second-Half Lions, & Other Disasters

Welcome to Week 1 of Tweetcap! ❤

If you don’t know Sanic, do yourself a huge favor & google him. Also: http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/sanic-hegehog

I know it makes absolutely no sense for me, as a Lions fan, to almost-highkey be a fan of another NFC North team, but I can’t help it. The Bears are just so precious, & I’ll forever be a Jay Cutler apologist. I mean, just look at his smushy little douchey face… he’s a little enchanting, no?

I’m absolutely impartial toward the Bills, but I have an irrational hatred of Andrew Luck. This stems from nothing but many years of eye-rolling him when he played for Stanford. Why did I eye-roll him there? I have no idea. Ya know how there are some people that just rub you the wrong way for literally zero reason? Andrew Luck.

Question still stands. Thoughts?

I have a soft spot for Luke Kuechly from my time living in Cincinnati. The news hyped him up so hard pretty much 24/7, & it was fairly cute.

If you haven’t seen the video of the aftermath of this hit, it’s worth looking up if only because it should be shown to everyone who has anything to do with football — it’s maybe the most textbook concussion reaction I’ve ever seen.

Few things in life hurt worse than leaving 21 points sitting on your bench, tbh.

Let’s pause to talk about all the side-eye I got when I predicted that Abdullah would be the Lions’ all-purpose yards leader this year. He touched the ball on a full quarter of the Lions’ offensive plays, & is the first rookie since 1960 to get at least 50 rushing yards, 40 receiving yards & 100 return yards in his first game. Abdullah is the real deal, y’all, & I’m glad that I get to watch him come into his own on my team. That said, I am very nervous that Jim Caldwell claims that Abdullah’s excellent performance won’t lead to an increased share of the offensive workload because… like… shouldn’t it?

IS MARCUS MARIOTA ACTUALLY KINDA CUTE OR AM I JUST THIRSTY AF? VOTE NOW.

Premature cockiness is kind of my thing.

A common thread in my Sunday tweets.

I like the Rams aight, but GODDAMN was it delicious to see them beat the Seahawks here. I think I’ve only ever met one person who roots for the Seahawks & isn’t a total dick of a fan (shoutout Chad wassup), so this reaction is more schadenfreude than anything else. When fans are loud & manic & borderline-delusional about their team, it brings me great joy to see them fail — sorry not sorry.

I still think Peyton has a potato-shaped head, but I can’t deny the happiness his newest Nationwide commercial brings me. Him mimicking the Peyton bobblehead should go down in history as one of the all-time great television moments, tbh.

Fuck my life. It was a beautiful one hour to be a Lions fan.

Okay, so to be fair, this DID look true for the first half of the game. He found his receivers quicker & launched the ball with more strength & intent than we’ve seen from him over the past couple of seasons. I’m still crossing my fingers that the first half of this game was a sign of good things to come for Stafford.

FOH, Rapeis Winston, you actual piece of human garbage.

Pls tattoo this on my forehead.

The point where I started regretting all the cheap beer, wings, & tater tots that were putting me in a food coma. My stomach was not ready for football season.

Or, the essence of being a Detroit Lions fan.

What the Lions are doing here is surprising to many. Riddick didn’t hit the field until nearly halftime, had only eight offensive snaps, & both of his catches (though they were for 37 yards & a touchdown, respectively) mattered naught in the grand scheme of the game. I totally understand Caldwell focusing his attention on Abdullah & Bell — I mean, I am the one who said that Abdullah should be used even more, but the total lack of Riddick is surprising since he had such preseason hype. I don’t think we’ll really see him in in any significant role for the Lions besides that of an occasional pass-catcher.

Oh, look.

So, having recently moved to the DFW area, let me tell you about Cowboys fans. They’re the ones who — despite not knowing you — will come up to you at a party & rudely interject themselves into your conversation to LITERALLY SCREAM IN YOUR FACE about how the Cowboys will “dominate” any team you may be talking about.

I’ll never forget — before I moved to Cincinnati awhile back, I was perusing local crime reports, & came across one wherein a woman had been kidnapped & forced into the back of a car. The man identified himself only by the name “Pacman.” Either Pacman Jones gives literally zero fucks or someone was pretty clever in choosing their nom-de-crime.

Let’s pause a moment to talk about some Pacman Jones arrest record highlights — just as a reminder of what kind of a human being the NFL keeps on its payroll:

October 2005: He fails to be in contact with his probation officer, has a previous sentence added to. Ol’ Pacman gave the following list of excuses: 1] he just didn’t have reception! 2] he totally tried to call the PO — it just always went to voicemail! 3] the PO was deliberately screening his calls to get him in trouble 4] he lost his phone & then OH MY GOD, JUST found it as they extended his sentence!

March 2006: Gets busted for possession. Publicly brags about knowing how to beat the NFL’s drug testing measures. Cops proceed to find LITERALLY ALL THE POT in Pacman’s house.

April 2006: Involved in a gunfight slash melee at a gas station.

August 2006: Arrested for spitting in a woman’s face.

October 2006: Arrested AGAIN for spitting in ANOTHER woman’s face.

February 2007: While throwing $80,000 at strippers, he gets in a fight with them for not dancing enough, proceeds to slam their heads against the bar, threatens to kill club employees. A shooting ensues wherein Pacman’s crew paralyzes an employee & seriously injures three others.

January 2008: Arrested for PUNCHING A WOMAN IN THE FACE.

May 2008: Criminal theft: trying to outrun $20K in gambling debt at Caesar’s Palace.

October 2008: Gets wasted, proceeds to beat the shit out of his OWN bodyguards.

skip ahead to being cut by the Cowboys & picked up by the Bengals… because let me tell you, no one appreciates a good criminal like Cincinnati

October 2010: Detained for road rage. This happened in downtown Cincy, so let me tell you — I actually cannot blame him for this one. I’ve never been in a place where the roads make LESS sense & where the drivers have their heads SO far up their asses.

July 2011: Arrested for disorderly conduct & resisting arrest. Why, you may ask? Yep, it’s more drunken fighting at a nightclub!

June 2013: Arrested YET AGAIN for punching a woman in the face at a club.

This is a proven fucking criminal who says, “Meh, I’ll probably commit these same horrendous, life-threatening acts again… whatcha gonna do about it?” The answer is clearly nothing BECAUSE FUCK THE NFL.

So anyway, back on the grind:

PS: If you are reading this & ever wanna talk about Hannibal (AKA my entire life) or Mads Mikkelsen (AKA my actual husband), HOLLA ATCHA GURL.

High five for two more Hannibal references, but really, peep that score FOR REAL.

Check out the ridiculous deets here: http://www.sbnation.com/lookit/2015/8/19/9178641/adrian-peterson-birthday-party-details-vikings-nfl-espn-lemur-camel-ruths-chris

I understand that the flash exacerbates the creepy eyes, but COME ON — he’s a little bit terrifying.

I just…

Actual Elf Mike Zimmer

I actually couldn’t even finish it.

Justin made NASCAR Corner in his Week 1 wrap-up post, so this is…

WTF DO I DO IN FANTASY CORNER™

This week, my team blew everyone else out of the water — 139 points. I’ve never, in my years of playing fantasy, had that high of a score. It was partially dumb luck & partially due to good matchups for many of my players, but also partially due to just how strong my team is. I had a great draft & have subsequently spent the past two weeks rosterbating pretty much nonstop.

This week, my team blew everyone else out of the water — 139 points. I’ve never, in my years of playing fantasy, had that high of a score. It was partially dumb luck & partially due to good matchups for many of my players, but also partially due to just how strong my team is. I had a great draft & have subsequently spent the past two weeks rosterbating pretty much nonstop.

This week, I’m pretty content except for my flex. I’m struggling with having the guts to take Alshon Jeffrey out of the flex & replace him with Chris Ivory. Let me give you a tiny bit of background on why I’m struggling so much here — I hate Chris Ivory. I mean, I don’t hate him for any good reason (see: Pacman Jones, Adrian Peterson) or even any illegitimate reason (see: Andrew Luck). I hate FANTASY Chris Ivory. Two years ago, I got burned over & over by him, so even picking him up this year meant I had to jump over a few mental hurdles.

I know starting Ivory is probably the right move — after all, Jeffrey’s matchup isn’t particularly promising. He’s playing against a Cardinals defense headed by Patrick Peterson who metaphorically choked Brandin Cooks out this week. I’m not thrilled about that.

Ivory, on the other hand, had two rushing TDs & 100 total yards this week, & is facing the Colts’ D — which has given up the eighth-most fantasy points to backs since the beginning of last season. Ivory’ll get in there & I’d be shocked if he didn’t pull at least one TD.

What all of this highlights is how absolutely stupid fantasy football is. Every single sign points to starting Chris Ivory, but I’m sitting here going, “Ugh, but he hurt me once.” (HI, SCORPIO GRUDGE.) Forget it. I’m benching Jeffrey. Doing it now. Thanks for talking that over with me, everyone. ;)

Feel free to follow me on Twitter for sneak peaks at next week’s column, as well as some extras about how much I hate the Packers & more schadenfreude about Rapeis Winston’s dismal debut. @KarissaOnSports ❤