7 Ways a Narcissist Will Keep You in a Toxic Cycle

Remind yourself of these things if you are trying to break free

Photo by Andrea Dibitonto on Unsplash

I don’t often work with narcissists.

That’s because not many willingly sign up for therapy. When their relationships are struggling they are more likely to think their partner is the problem. Not them. Never them.

But I hear a lot of narcissist stories from their partners, their staff, their children, their parents — people they have hurt.

In intimate relationships, these people generally fall into two categories.

• People who are out of their relationships with narcissists and want to keep it that way. Often aware of their vulnerability where that person is concerned, they want to shore up their ability to keep the gate firmly shut. Or they may just want help to recover from the toxic legacy.
• People who know they are in an unhealthy relationship but have not yet found a way out. Perhaps logistics, their circumstances, their emotional struggles are preventing it. They want to better understand the abusive cycle and coping strategies to help them manage and eventually free themselves from it.

It’s not possible to diagnose a narcissist by proxy — from someone else’s report. That would be wrong, as well as unprofessional.

But it’s been easy, over the years, to compile my own dossier of narcissist behaviours and ways of operating, which includes the strategies they use to keep the toxic cycle alive.

Here are seven that show up on repeat.

They do flattery on steroids

Especially at the beginning. Aka love-bombing. You will feel like the most attractive, smart, interesting person alive. You will feel heard, like this is the relationship you’ve been waiting all your life for. But once they have you well and truly on their hook, the flattery stops (and the criticism begins). Unless they need to flatter you again in short bursts just to keep you where they need you.

They open the nostalgia chest

They remind you of all the good times — and there will have been good times. Sometimes, many of them. They talk…