Does Your Partner Pass The Fire Pit Test? Do You?
Does it matter if your friends don’t like your partner?
“A partner needs to be fire pit material,” a young woman told me.
We’d been discussing the merits (and otherwise) of relationships when she hit me with this. I’m always intrigued by new ways of categorising love so I asked her to explain.
“Imagine in 10 years’ time you’re sitting around a fire pit with all your friends,” she said. It’s late, there’s a cosy fire, blankets, music, drinks and fries (she loved fries), opinions, laughter, lots of banter.
How would your partner fit in? Could you relax with them there? Or would their presence embarrass you or turn you into a quivering ball of anxiety, hoping they’d “gel” with your buddies — or at least not cause a scene.
It’s an important question to think about early on, she pressed.
“Does my partner pass the fire pit test?”
I’ve had plenty of clients struggle with this — partners they mostly kept away from their friend group because they didn’t get on, or they knew it would be a clash.
Maybe you’ve been there? Had a partner who talked too much about themselves, made social or cultural gaffs or revealed racist, sexist or outdated beliefs?
Maybe they swore too much, or got wound up too quickly, or maybe they didn’t say anything at all? Maybe they wore embarrassing clothes or didn’t like the same books or music or had polarising political or religious views?
Maybe your friends just didn’t like them, leaving you stuck awkwardly in the middle?
Or maybe it was the other way around: Your partner had no time for your friends, didn’t want to be around them and didn’t bother to hide their feelings?
Friends Matter (Even) More Than Family
When we meet someone new there’s a whiff of expectation around how they will “fit” into our lives — and with our people.
There’s a good reason for that: studies show the more support a relationship gets from its environment — of which the main ingredient is people — the more likely it is to succeed.
