How To Stop Being So Angry
One Simple Question Could Be The Answer
Some of us get annoyed and angry very easily. There always seem to be people who just trip us up; they seem to be inconsiderate, reckless, egoistic, and even malicious.
Except … once the heat of the situation has cooled down, they turn out not to be any of those.
Maybe they were a bit careless, maybe they made an honest mistake, or maybe it was just a case of innocent miscommunication. Often enough, we sensitive people have to admit (at least to ourselves) that we overreacted, were too defensive, unjust, and just plain wrong.
Being wrong like this does not feel good. It can be disappointing and make us feel like we’re not in control of ourselves. It can put a real strain on our closest relationships.
Taking Action Against Anger
This pattern of negative emotional response (especially towards people we are close to) might be a defense mechanism we learned from our parents; we might even think of it as part of our personality. But the truth is that it is absolutely avoidable.
So here’s a simple but highly effective strategy to reduce your anger. It has worked wonders for me and it may also help you if you are quick to get annoyed or angry.
I first learned about this simple technique as a teenager on a radio broadcast about a German psychotherapist and it has stuck with me ever since.
I still lived through moody teenage years, but in my twenties, I realized the tremendous value of this simple technique and it has since served me well.
The strategy is simple….
Every time you feel yourself getting angry at someone over something, instead of ruminating about what a bad, despicable, ruthless person they are, ask yourself:
“What could I have done to prevent this situation?”
Most of us tend not to get that angry at ourselves. So, by shifting the blame from the other person back to ourselves helps to cool the anger — and this allows us to see the situation clearly through the eyes of our more rational self.
Even if the other person really were to blame and acted in bad faith, being clear-headed and asking yourself what you could have done better is a much more constructive and mentally less taxing response.
A Simple Example
Imagine you delegated a task to a co-worker and, after a long time, they get back to you with shoddy results so you have to do it all again yourself.
Either, you could react by getting angry about how lazy and stupid they are and how they don’t at all care about the quality of the work they deliver. Or perhaps you’d fume all day, and not get anything done yourself.
Or, you could ask yourself what you could have done to avoid this situation. Maybe you could have delegated the task to a different person; communicated the importance of the task and the expected timeframe more clearly; given your colleague better instructions, or checked in every now and then to see if they were on track.
The beautiful thing about the second option is that besides (probably) feeling much more calm, you might really discover something you could do to avoid the situation recurring in the future.
Take-Home Habits
As a rule of thumb, always try to assume the other person to be innocent unless you have good evidence for the contrary.
They did not reply to your mail for a week? Maybe they got sick or are temporarily caught up in an important task.
They did not turn up to your party? Maybe they would have loved to, but are to their neck in work or needed the evening to work out a conflict in their relationship.
They did not tell you about this one thing? Maybe they tried telling you but you did not understand, or they just didn’t realize that it was at all important to you.
Once you make a habit of realizing there are many possible explanations for their behavior, it is much easier to calm down and proceed constructively. You might be surprised how effortlessly you can find things you could have done to not get into situations that make you angry.
I hope following the simple strategy will make your life more enjoyable, less angry, and that your peers and loved ones will enjoy and value your relationship all the more.
Let me know if it helped you! Eugen Linardi writes for On the Couch. Follow us for practical psychology strategies for everyday life.
