Struggling Couples Always Blame Communication Problems. Here’s Why They’re Wrong.

It’s the symptom, not the cause

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We have communication problems.

We just need to be able to communicate better.

Can you teach us some communication strategies?

Those are three lines every couples’ therapist has heard over and over.

It’s not surprising. When two people are struggling in a relationship they lose the ability to speak to each other in reasonable ways.

Everything they say (and do) starts to have an agenda. Tiny off-key remarks are taken to heart — met with eye-rolls, defensiveness or resentment.

Ordinary disagreements that should go nowhere escalate quickly into full blown fights or spells of uneasy silence.

So when they come to therapy they believe the answer lies in “fixing” or at least improving the way they speak and interact.

And that’s where they’re wrong.

Symptom, not cause

Here’s something that has always interested me.

Couples who say they are poor communicators are usually wrong. If you followed each of them around in “real life” — for example at work or with friends — you’d…