When Someone You Love Leaves You

How Grief Sneaks In

Karen Nimmo
Jul 27, 2017 · 4 min read

Childhood loss has a long tail.

If you need proof, tune into ITV’s Diana, Our Mother: Her Life and Legacy, in which Princes William and Harry speak about the loss of their mother 20 years ago and the grief Harry says “is still raw.”

The British Royals’ openness is hugely helpful in understanding how much, and for how long, children can struggle with the death of a parent.

Add a layer of difficulty when it is sudden, controversial and hugely public. And another when it follows other loss — for William and Harry it was the breakdown of their parents’ marriage five years earlier and the inevitable change in their family circumstances.

As a psychologist, I was fascinated by the scenes that forecast the dark clouds of emotional struggles: their regret at cutting short their mother’s last phone call; 12-year-old Harry’s confusion when he saw the sea of flowers left for his adored mother by well-wishers. Why, he wondered, were all these people feeling the love when he was feeling nothing?

That confusion would have caused him to ask over and over: Why was I not emotional when my mother died? Am I normal? Can I love properly? What’s wrong with me? As a child, he didn’t have the emotional processing skills or language to express his feelings. Instead, he took what he called a “head in the sand” approach to grief: don’t think about her, don’t go there and it can’t make you sad. By the time he reached his 20s, his locked up emotions had swelled into symptoms and behaviour he struggled to contain.

No Roadmap for Grief

In the early stages, grief symptoms look like mild depression. There can be denial, regret and/or blame, emotional chaos, fatigue, low energy, a loss of interest in activities and friends. Where the loss is sudden and traumatic, anxiety, nightmares and flashbacks may flare.

Between six and 12 months on, the most severe symptoms have usually begun to lift but grief can lie dormant for years, roaring up in the face of significant events— such as a new relationship, or the break up of one, the birth of a child, other reminders of your loss. Sometimes, a seemingly tiny trigger — such as Mother’s Day, or a reminder that other people have what you don’t — can open the wound.

When you are working with people psychologically, the tears of unresolved grief often burst from nowhere and they’ll say: “I’ve never really dealt with that.” But to simply “deal with” grief is a misnomer; it’s about feeling and understanding your reactions, taking perspective, packaging memories, gaining acceptance. It’s about building emotional resilience, so your loss doesn’t stunt you psychologically.

The Legacy (and Perils) of Love

Some react by pushing people away because they can’t bear the pain of losing love again. Some cling too hard to it, becoming excessively needy in their terror of loss. Others idealise the person they’ve lost, making it near impossible for anyone else to compete.

Being able to move forward can often depend on how you view, package or let go of your relationship with the person you have lost. And perhaps the clearest thing to emerge from this documentary is that William and Harry always felt their mother’s huge, enveloping love for them.

“Laughter, fun, jolly, the naughtiest parent, the best mother in the world,” were some of the phrases.

It’s wrong I know but, watching this, I felt the faintest twinge of envy for what Diana left behind. Frozen in time at 36, she is imprinted in her sons’ minds as young, beautiful, joyous and naughty. Not for her the decay into grumpy old age, the hormonal mood swings, the hot flashes, the vertical wrinkles. Not for her ever saying the wrong thing at family gatherings or having to discipline her wayward grandkids.

Just two young men who loved her completely — and who knew they were loved. Wouldn’t we, who are parents, all want a piece of that?


If you enjoyed this article, or think someone else might benefit from sharing, please hit the heart button. If you want to talk more, leave a comment or message me on Facebook, tweet me, or visit karen@onthecouch.co.nz

On The Couch

Understanding yourself is the key to great results and optimum living. Clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo offers help for your difficulties and a blueprint for fulfilling your potential.

    Karen Nimmo

    Written by

    Clinical psychologist, writer, still learning how to live. Author of 3 books, including Busy As F*ck: 10 on-the-couch sessions for busy people everywhere.

    On The Couch

    Understanding yourself is the key to great results and optimum living. Clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo offers help for your difficulties and a blueprint for fulfilling your potential.

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