You Don’t Need to ‘Fix’ Yourself Before a New Relationship (just do this)
A recently separated man signed up for therapy: his heart hadn’t just been broken, he said, it’d been smashed on the rocks.
“I’m useless at this stuff,” he said, trawling through a history of unsuccessful relationships with women. “ I need to fix myself before I go back in there.” He made there sound like a beast’s lair; his fear was palpable.
It’s a common story. People who’ve been hurt in relationships often turn on themselves, decide they are utterly flawed and the work is all theirs to do. They’ll come to the first session clutching an iPad or a notebook ready to attack the project that is themselves.
It’s a good idea to explore hurt: it can help us understand why we think, feel and behave the way we do and it’s healthy to be up for learning and change. But it also makes me nervous when people view themselves as a Project. Because personal development doesn’t have a deadline.
There’s no such thing as closing the file on yourself with a grand flourish: that’s it, I’m done, I’m good to go back out into the world as a bright, shiny magnet to all who cross my path.
So what to do?
When relationship breaks up, your confidence takes a hit, even when you were the minor player in all that…
