Not everyone you meet will be able to handle your mental illness

I was diagnosed with clinical depression in my early teens. This was the 1980's. There wasn't much about in terms of treatment so I had monthly meetings with a 'psychiatric nurse' (what would be called a CPN today) that she demonstrated her boredom in and I learned not to tell her anything even slightly important.

I limped through a version of life in my teens and early twenties that was bewildering and at times frightening. I had no idea how to control the hallucinations, depression and (rarely) the instances of utter euphoria. As I grew older however I learned to source and pay for illegal drugs. A combination of speed when I was depressed and cannabis when I was manic took the edge off of the worst of excessive moods. However I could do nothing about hallucinations, both visual and auditory, that wouldn't leave me alone all through my twenties.

My thirties were better. I still had no clue that I had manic depression – I don't even think I'd heard of such a thing – but somehow I felt more settled.

However that settled feeling inevitably gave way to a very severe series of highs and lows that culminated with me getting a referral to see a psychiatrist. It was her who gave me the diagnosis of Bipolar I disorder.

Since 2006 when I was diagnosed I have struggled to find a good solid medication base. I have tried Prozac, Venfalaxin, Tegretol and Depakote, all to no long term avail. Currently I am on Lamotragene, Quetiapine and Diazepam. My hallucinations are very much more controlled, although I am still on a high dose of Quetiapine following a recent manic episode.

I am a Web Developer by trade. I have been for over ten years now. I started in a design studio in the West Midlands. I had several depressive episodes during the time I was there. At the time I had no idea I had manic depression. That would come 4 years later. In the meantime I was trying to hold on to my sanity and struggle to hold down a wage. When the dotcom bubble burst, I was laid off and sank into a long term depression.

When I was eventually diagnosed four years after being laid off, I was working as an in-house designer for a large Consultancy company in Birmingham. I had the choice of telling my employer or of trying to battle through. I opted for telling them. They were very good and offered support in the shape of time working from home and time off to see my CPN etc. Eventually though I left that job in 2009 as the result of both a damaging (to my career and friendships) manic episode.

2009 was also the year my wife and I separated and eventually divorced. I relocated to Oxfordshire. Close enough to get to my kids and far enough away to start a new life. I met someone and we started a relationship. However, I was still going through my manic episode and I ended up being taken into hospital (with my agreement).

However, my new partner did not give up on me. She visited me whenever she was allowed to. She took me in to the hospital and when I was discharged she took me home.

These days, I am engaged to this same lady. We are due to be married this year. I have also given up on permanent work and have become a freelancer and contractor. This enables me to organise my own time and if I need to, slow down for awhile. I finally feel I have got used to my diagnosis. Looking back over the last 30 years of diagnosed and undiagnosed manic depression I blame my unmanaged disorder for losing my jobs, friends and relationships. But now, I am with someone who values me for me – manic depression and all – and I know even I become ill she will not give up on me. My life is better now.