Welcome to this week's issue of Serious News Magazine. For over three hundred years, we've been providing you with important stories that matter. This week, we cautiously reveal a brand new redesign, to help us compete in an increasingly challenging marketplace. Lord help us.
You've probably already noticed our updated logo, with our traditional globe and flag and now also a silhouette of Justin Bieber. Additionally, we've moved to a three-color press that will allow us to not only print in black and gray, but also in pink, yellow, and one more color we're told is so new it has yet to be named. You'll need the pair of special glasses attached to the inside back cover in order to view it. Remember our Important Graph of the Week? Yep, that's been replaced by a strip of glue to secure these glasses. That's capitalism, we suppose.
Over here in the editorial offices, we're quite confused to be introducing a new section at the front of the magazine, replacing Global Economic Trends and Studies. That section will now be called "Meow!" and will feature cartoon drawings of cats, some of them normal cats and some of them zombie cats. Next week, as we continue to push forward with the redesign, they will all be zombie cats.
Due to a dwindling number of submissions, the Letters From Prominent Researchers feature has been discontinued. Instead, our newly-hired Social Media Sorceress (who has replaced our Senior National Affairs Editor — we'll sure miss his festive bowties) will distill all of the week's major news stories into one single tweet. We're told you can read that tweet at our new account, @snookitwilightnewztweet. (That replaces our old account, @seriousnews. We apologize to our six followers for failing to tweet with any regularity, although we hope you enjoyed the one tweet we did post last fall. We certainly enjoyed writing it here in the newsroom.)
Our usual typeface has been redeveloped by our new and fascinating friends at Fat Momma Font Labs. They apparently felt that the serifs on some of our letters made the words look "all [bleep]-ed up." We apologize to anyone who felt that way, and we look forward to re-earning your trust. We also apologize to our more punctuation-inclined readers that our new font does not contain any apostrophes, question marks, or the letters q, x, and 4. We apologize further to any of our readers, including those here in the newsroom, who believe that 4 is not actually a letter. We held the same belief until our spirited friends at Fat Momma Font Labs beat it out of us. Truth is, we're a little scared of them.
We are so very frustrated to announce that our monthly Political Insights column has been replaced by a large photo of what appears to be an erudite scholar being held hostage by a gang of hoodie-wearing "tweens." If anyone recognizes this scholar, his glasses, the book he is reading, or the faces of the people holding him captive, you may now reach us at our new e-mail address, firstname.lastname@example.org, or just send us a message via whatever it is that has replaced the handwritten letter.
In our very first issue, back in 1704, we pledged to engage our readers in spirited debate about the most critical issues of our time, no matter how hard we would have to fight to ensure our voice would be heard. As part of our redesign, in this issue we introduce a recurring feature called "Mug'z," where we use photo editing software to dress celebrity babies in prison outfits. Please kill us. Really, please come to our offices and murder us. You'd be doing the world a service.
Finally — mercifully — you may have noticed that most of the pages of our magazine are now completely invisible. This is because, even with the redesign, we can no longer afford to produce a print edition. You can now find us somewhere on your phone, or maybe someone else's phone, although we are not quite certain where on a phone we would be.
We hope you enjoy these changes, we thank you for your loyal readership, and please enjoy the newz, yo.