I’m Not Alone

C. M. Barrett
Sep 4, 2018 · 3 min read

From 2013 through 2015, I experienced some enormous changes that included the institutionalization of a long-time partner, dealing with Medicaid, and having to dispose of the house I’d lived in for more than twenty years. I also had to decide where to move.

In June, 2015, I was no longer a home owner, had become single, and had left the area where I’d lived for more than twenty years. I’d had some excellent coaching to get me through the worst of it, but I still experienced much despair, fear, and the general feeling of having been roughly transplanted.

Despite that, some days were fine. I had two close friends in the area to which I’d moved, and they helped me through the initial transition. I was meeting new people and making friends. I took chi kung every week. The two cats I adopted turned out to be lifesavers. I rescued them, and they rescued me.

Many mornings, though, I woke up feeling deeply depressed. I didn’t know what my life was about any more. I lacked purpose, focus, and, most of all, inspiration.

I felt alone. Worse, I felt lonely.

Isolation is Poison

I felt so sorry for myself. I felt like a victim especially chosen for punishment, a modern-day Job.

Loneliness exaggerated every negative emotion. I thought I was depressed because I was lonely. I was frightened because I had no one to tell me everything would be okay.

Resentment became my go-to negative emotion. I could come up with countless reasons why my resentment was both right and righteous. I wouldn’t give it up until the world gave me what I thought I deserved.

Sometimes resentment shifted to anger. Anger felt better. It moved energy and gave me the false sense that I was taking action by fighting back against my circumstances.

Enough was Enough

Everyone has differing levels of tolerance for mucking about in misery. I reached my limit and knew I had to do something. I decided to forget about trying to change the world to suit me. That hadn’t worked. Any change that was going to take place had to start with me.

Around this time, I found Medium. Although I was looking at it from the point of view of writing, I found much more.

Whenever I woke up in a funk, I would go to Medium. I don’t know if it was due to coincidence or divine providence (I lean towards the latter), but I would always find stories that directly addressed what I was feeling. The honesty and generosity of the writers reached me and helped to shift my mood.

I didn’t have one of those “See how much worse some people have it? You have no right to feel sorry for yourself” realizations. It was a healing awareness that I hadn’t been especially marked for punishment and suffering.

I realized that I wasn’t alone. This discovery was life-changing. No matter what I was going through, someone else was also experiencing it, exploring it, and sharing their discoveries.

I realized that an underlying emotion I’d felt was shame that I was this way.The more I discovered that lots of people were this way, the less alone I felt.

One Shift Leads to More

Having experienced the generosity of other writers, I knew that I wanted to give back. The honesty and vulnerability that others allowed themselves became the standard for the articles I wrote.

I’m not going to say that I always achieve that standard. I look forward to new depths to explore and new levels of openness to achieve. I am as honest as I can be — and sometimes a little bit more.

In the course of my Medium experience, I have also learned to see my life differently. As the veil of depression lifted, I recognized how truly blessed I was to have friends, a spiritual practice, and purposeful political activities. I saw that my life was mine to make of it as I chose.

And that’s the greatest gift I could give myself.


Thanks for reading this. You can see other articles I’ve written here. I also welcome you to visit my web site, where you can read about my fiction.

C. M. Barrett

Written by

Friend of dragons, cats, and other troublemakers. Author of the series, A Dragon’s Guide to Destiny and Dystopia in Drag. Visit cmbarrett.com.

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