Overly Independent Woman Can Become Lonely
Fear or Love: What is motivating you?
One day, my friends and I were talking about the restaurant. I don’t know how the subject shifted to eating in restaurant ALONE.
“No, no. I CAN NOT. I cannot eat by myself. I need to be with friends eating at a restaurant,” said one of my acquaintances.
As a strong and independent woman, I admitted I rolled my eyes at her remarks in my mind. I scoffed, “Oh, it’s not that BAD! It’s really good for you. You get some quiet time to yourself without having a lot of people grabbing your attention.”
My acquaintance had this fear in her eyes like there was a taboo about going to a restaurant by herself. As a matter of fact, she was afraid that sitting by herself was going to trigger the loneliness and she doesn’t want to experience the feeling.
I get that some people don’t like to be alone for some reason. Maybe you’re far comfortable being in the others’ company. Maybe it just feels ‘normal’ to you. I asked my acquaintance to elaborate the reason for the animosity.
She responded, “I think it’s weird. I don’t think its normal to be sitting alone in a restaurant.” My acquaintance struggled with finding the words. “It’s like there’s something wrong!”
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. I completely get your feelings about wanting to be surrounded by friends and enjoying their company, but sometimes, we all need a breather from the world.” I told her.
My acquaintance was becoming squirmy as the discussion became deep and then, she changed the subject.
Frankly, her body language stumped me. I thought to myself, “if she could just give it a chance, she will be able to reflect on feelings and to get in touch with her body. She would be able to learn that with self-awareness she would accomplish anything ALONE.”
The conversation took place years ago when I was in my prime 20’s working hard on becoming financially and emotionally independent woman.
The conversation also happened a few years after my domestic violence relationship, which will be shared in a different blog. I swore to myself that I would not put myself in that situation ever again and that I would focus on taking care of myself.
It was a lot of trauma to heal from. I hated how I looked. There was a lot of things about myself I loathed. I needed a lot of alone time to recover and to break the cycle of dependence on others for validation, attention, and affection.
Healthy Individuality
You know when you’re dependent on a relationship if you’re jumping from relationship to another relationship and you’re not giving yourself the opportunity to get to know yourself especially create your individuality.
Honestly, being alone in a restaurant is no longer a taboo. It used to be a strange activity back then; however, it is now encouraged as a part of self-care and self-love.
The real reason that some people do not like going to a restaurant alone because the truth is they do not want to face their feelings alone. There are a lot of internal feelings [that could potentially motivate them to be addicted to relationships] they have not explore because they’re too busy socializing or being in relationship to another relationship.
This is like a relationship bypassing just like the term ‘spiritual bypassing.’
“Spiritual bypassing is a tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks”.
The term was introduced in the early 1980s by John Welwood, a Buddhist teacher and psychotherapist.
In this case, relationship bypassing is a tendency to use relationships to avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, self-love issues, childhood wounds, and subconscious fears.
I’ve met a few women who had a relationship pattern where they soon found a new romantic partner after a breakup. I asked them why so soon?
They replied, “I just love being in a relationship. I do not like being alone or to be an independent, you know, like girl power. My life does not make sense without being in a relationship.”
While observing their body language and their answers, another question came to my mind.
“I understand the relationship part, but do you think its fair to have some space between relationships [especially after repeated failed relationships] to examine why your relationship does not work out, to break your relationship patterns, and to find out who you are without another person shaping your identity?” I asked them.
“Well, yeah, I can, but I just don’t like being alone. I just feel I am meant to be in a relationship,” said one of my friends.
Of course, my mind filled with more questions. I wanted to ask them a million questions, but there was an important question I really wanted to see their answer.
“Okay, I’m curious. Do you know who you are? Like do you know who you are and what do you want in a relationship? I meant, sometimes, one can lose themselves in a relationship.
They stuttered, “Well, uh, (thinking) yeah, yeah, I guess. But I am happy with my new boyfriend now.”
Self-Awareness Is Necessity
Maybe you’re one of those people who love being alone and crave the quiet like me. I love my ‘me time’, especially after my DV relationship. I made it a part of my daily self-care to carve out time in my schedule for some company with my feelings, thoughts, and heart.
It increased my awareness about what was going on with me and how I react to life. For a while after my DV relationship, my life was beautiful, and I thrived in being by myself. I embraced my independence fully.
During one of those times in the restaurant by myself, I realized how important it was to be emotionally independent. My self-awareness grew so much.
It was one of those countless conversations with myself about how I was solely responsible for my happiness. That was one of the many reasons I found myself in unhealthy relationships. For a long time, I thought my partner was responsible for my happiness.
Just like the women I questioned. They did not know how to make themselves happy without having their partners to make them happy.
Self-awareness is very useful and crucial because, in this case of the repeated failed relationship, it is a part of self-love and self-care to give yourself some space between relationships to reexamine your wants and needs in a romantic relationship and to find who you are.
Without a solid identity, one can become lost in everything. When you understand and know who you are at your core, you attract a relationship that supports who you are without altering your identity.
Yes, relationships can shape your identity, but only to push yourself and to be a self-sufficient individual.
Is There Too Much Alone Time?
It has been 11 years since my DV relationship. I am still eating by myself in a restaurant. Most of the time, it is with my 4 years old daughter. (I know. I know. That story will be saved for another time.)
It has gotten to a point where I dread social gatherings and most importantly, fearing to allow love in. Somewhere in the road, it went from a healthy solitude to unhealthy isolation.
I am well aware enough to question myself whether being alone on a frequent basis is healthy or there’s a deeper fear underneath. Truth be told, there might be one motivating the constant urges to be alone.
If you’re one of those women or like me who love their independence, you might feel the pressure to prove yourself to the world that you can survive without a relationship.
Maybe the initial motivation is to find who you are, but then, life happens, and you’re finding more reasons to avoid all kind of relationships because life sucks when you’re surrounded with ungrateful and unsupportive people.
If you can explore further, life become ugly because maybe you’re not letting people love you and for who you are.
Or maybe you should try asking yourself a sincere question. Your life including friendships, partnerships, relationships, finances, and family become empty because you don’t love yourself?
Fear or love- which is it that motivates you?
