I’m Called a Loser, and I’m Fine with That
When you read the title, what do you think? What comes to mind when you read the word “loser?” You may imagine a basement-dwelling thirty-something-year-old man living in his parent’s basement that doesn’t take care of himself and acts a like man-child. But when I write “loser,” I don’t mean this kind of person. Rather, I mean “loser” in the sense of a person who may not quite fit into society, isn’t liked by a lot of people, isn’t popular, that kind of thing.
In this regard, I think that being considered a loser is okay. In fact, I think it’s important to say that everyone is a loser in someone’s eyes. We aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s okay. If we try to please everyone, we’ll please no one, because in an attempt to do such a thing, we sacrifice the things that make us unique, the things that make us who we are; we then push away everyone who would be compatible with us, and we end up at the opposite end of what we were trying to achieve.
Let’s take this notion of people pleasing a bit further. In an effort to please everyone and not seem like a loser, we often give up on adhering to the Chief Virtues — wisdom, courage, justice, and temperance — doing instead whatever will make everyone think we’re cool, rich, and not a loser. If the cool kids are laughing at a disabled person due to their disability, and you do it as well to seem cool, you just sacrificed the virtues: justice, because it’s not right to make fun of someone’s disability and you didn’t stop them; courage, because you decided to take the easy route instead of doing what’s right and calling them out for their actions; and wisdom, because you didn’t stop to think about what you were doing and just went along with the crowd.
Being a Stoic will be hard sometimes, and it will, at times, be a lonely road. Doing your best to maintain your virtue and excellence in all things will put you against some people and stir the ire of many. But that’s okay. By maintaining your virtue and excellence, you are maintaining the ability to do the best you can for yourself and for others around you. You’re being an example that people can follow and look up to.
This notion also applies to our pursuit for wealth and riches. When we look at the richest men and women in the world and how they got to that spot, we see that other people were stepped on, betrayals occurred, and honor was diminished. While it would be nice to have millions and billions of dollars, we need to ask ourselves the questions: is the goal worth the cost of what I’ll sacrifice? How much of my honor, virtue, and modesty am I willing to sacrifice to achieve what I want? And it’s here that we need to analyze what we value in this life, and if the things that we value align with our goals of living wisely and virtuously.
Additionally, if we decide to follow down this Stoic path of adhering to the Chief Virtues and bettering ourselves and the community around us, we’ll have to accept the fact that this path will often put us in a position of not being understood by people, disliked, or even hated. You may have to walk alone.
Now while this road may be a somewhat lonely one at times, there will be people who’ll align with your life goals and foster good relationships with you. Likewise, there will also be people who are there to leech off your success or the positive energy you put out. It’s at this point that the virtue of wisdom is exercised so you can surround yourself with people that you can support and will support you. On this topic, Stoic philosopher Epictetus writes the following in Section 24 of the Enchiridion.
‘Acquire money then’, your friends say, ‘that we may also have something.’ If I can acquire money and also keep myself modest and faithful and magnanimous, point the way, and I will acquire it. But if you ask me to lose the things which are good and my own, in order that you may gain which are not good, see how unfair and silly you are. Besides, which would you rather have, money or a faithful and modest friend? For this end then rather help me to be such a man, and do not ask me to do this by which I shall lose that character.
In this we can see that friends that are there to support and aid you in your journey to being your best virtuous self will not put you in the position where you’ll sacrifice your honor and virtues, but will instead aid you in its maintenance. If they aren’t there to support you, or you them, then they’re not meant to be in your life.
If in this pursuit of virtuous living you find yourself alone, friendless, or viewed as a loser, take it not as a bad thing, but merely as part of the journey. Just because they think you’re a loser, doesn’t mean that you are. They are merely gazing at an appearance of what they think you are and coming to a conclusion based merely on what they see.
In this, we can see that it’s okay to be a loser. If you are keeping to the Chief Virtues, maintaining your honor, and living a life that is meaningful, then that’s what matters. Like I said earlier, no one is everyone’s cup of tea. We still have a responsibility to be the best and most virtuous and honorable we can be. Marcus Aurelius writes the following in Meditations 7.15.
Let anyone say or do what he pleases, I must be a good man. It is just as gold, or emeralds, or purple might say continually: ‘let men do or say what they please, I must be an emerald, and retain my luster.’
Let them call you a loser, and you just keep living a virtuous and honorable life. Be you. This is your journey, your story; as the author, you have the control as to how it’s written; they don’t. Let it be written with the pen in your hand, not the hands of others.
