A Conversation Between An Uber Passenger And His 87-Year-Old Driver, Ruth Kleinberg
Ruth: Good evening, young man. So handsome.
Passenger: Ehhh, thanks.
** The smell of mothballs sits in the air **
Ruth: Okay, let me put on my glasses and get out the map.
Passenger: Can’t you just use your phone?
Ruth: Hehe, funny boy making jokes already. Phones make calls. They don’t give directions. I’m quicker than you think you whippersnapper.
Passenger: Right… I could just…
Ruth: No, no, Sunset and Douglas, found it. Isn’t that where the nickel laundromat is?
Passenger: Yeah, it could be. I’m in a bit of a hurry. Could we go?
Ruth: Of course, of course. You kids these days. Always in such a hurry.
Passenger: Yeah, well..
** Passenger checks time on Apple Watch. Ruth drives into traffic without looking **
Passenger: So, how long have you been driving for Uber?
Ruth: Pardon me? You’ll need to speak up.
Passenger: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN AN UBER DRIVER?
Ruth: No, no, I don’t know Ben Gruber. Would you like a Werther’s Original?
Passenger: What’s that?
Ruth: I think it’s one of those Ferraguars or whatcha-ma-call-it cars. Very expensive. James Coburn used to drive one. So handsome that Coburn.
Passenger: No, not the car. What’s a Werther’s Original?
Ruth: Well, I sure hope he drove the original. He certainly had the money.
** A gramophone sits in the passenger seat playing Louis Prima **
Passenger: Soo… I hear Uber doesn’t take very good care of it’s drivers.
Ruth: Yes, yes. Did you know that when I was a little girl I worked in the orchards picking oranges? I got paid 2 cents everyday. I saved that money to buy this Prius.
Passenger: No, I didn’t know that. Wow.
** Passenger looks at Iphone **
Ruth: That Jimmy Carter sure was a nice man. Not very bright, but very sweet.
Passenger: Fuuuccckk, watch out!!!
** Ruth drives through a red light **
Ruth: What’s that you say young man?
Passenger: You know, I think I’ll just get out here.
Ruth: No, no we’ll get you to your date on time. Are you meeting your wife?
Passenger: No, I’m actually not married.
Ruth: WHAT? Such a nice, handsome boy like yourself. You should really get married already. Me and my Gerome were married for 47 years. Bless his soul. Pastrami sandwich.
Passenger: Pastrami sandwich?
Ruth: Choked on a pastrami sandwich at Langer’s. Very sad, but that Gerome never chewed his food. I always told him to slow down. Ehh, Liebe Himmel, men and they’re eating.
Passenger: Sorry to hear that. So, do you only drive for Uber?
Ruth: Yes, I’ve been an Uber Driver for over fifty years now.
Passenger: Uhh, okay. You know I can really walk the rest of the way.
Ruth: I have a granddaughter that’s about your age. Maybe you two should go to the skating rink why not. Would you like her number?
Passenger: You know, that’s okay. I’m not really seeing anyone right now.
Ruth: HAHA, you and me both sonny. Without these glasses, I’m as blind as a goose. Wanna see?
** Ruth hands him her glasses **
Passenger: Jesus, can you even see the road?
Ruth: Silly boy and his jokes again. I got a regular Mickey Rooney in the back seat. This is a Prius Smart car. It practically drives itself. Look.
** Ruth takes her hands off the steering wheel and changes the Gramophone record **
Passenger: Oh fuck, fuck, fuck. Drive the fucking car.
** Car swerves back and forth, barely missing a semi **
Ruth: That Louis Prima was quite the crooner. You know, I had an affair with Wayne Newton?
Passenger: WATCH OUT!!!
** The Prius tears through a trash can and sends trash flying **
Ruth: Yep, I was quite the tart back in the day. Still am.
** Ruth turns and winks at the passenger **
Passenger: Stop. The. Fucking. Car. NOW!
Ruth: Okay, okay young man. This isn’t your stop, ya know?
Passenger: I don’t give a fuck, just let me out.
Ruth: Alrighty, here we go. Thank you so much. You’re such a nice young man.
Passenger: Whatever. Crazy fucking bat.
** Passenger storms away **
Ruth: Bye, now sonny. Have a wonderful evening at the soda pop and please give me a 5 star review.
** Ruth drives away **
Ruth: Fucking prick.